Living the good life

Last Friday marked 18 months since we moved to this town. I've got to say that it's finally starting to feel like home. I feel like I've been taken off my L's and I'm now on my P's! There is a definite sense of acceptance and welcoming now that people know me better and know that we're here to stay. It feels so good! A few things have occurred recently that made me feel like I've started to turn the corner. One was when I rocked up to playgroup after the school holidays. I hadn't been around for about a month and people obviously started to notice that I was 'missing'. One of the mums told me that someone had asked after me and then the rumours started to fly - "Maybe she's left", "Maybe she's sick..."Maybe she's PREGNANT"! We joked at how the rumour mill works in a small town and I felt pretty pleased actually - I was missed enough to be talked about! It's sure funny what things make you feel settled in!

So, the weather's good (we need more rain though); I've made friends and I'm genuinely enjoying life here. It's all I could ask for - slow, simple, peaceful and happy. My in-laws are visiting too, which means that, besides the house being pretty crazy, I've got help with Boo and I can actually get a chance to pull the weeds from my garden and cook dinner without having to run into different rooms to supervise every three seconds.

Yesterday, me and my closest friend (plus her hubby and kids) went out to our farm - it's a ten minute drive from town. We have a flock of geese there that need to be let out for a forage every couple of days. Her kids love letting the geese out and topping up the food and water. We took a kite with us and of course, some snacks. At one point, the kids were all perched up on the boot of the car happily eating crackers'; her hubby was trying to get the kite up; the geese were happily wandering about and we were chatting away. The sun was warm, the breeze was cool, the view was magnificent. She looked at me and said "It's times like this when I think my kids have got such a good life". I couldn't have agreed more - only to extend it to include us as well - we have a brilliant life here too (just don't ask me about how good my life is when summer arrives - you might get a rude answer). Anyway, so basically I'm feeling pretty good these days - I feel like I've done my time and I've finally come out the other side. It's a good place to be!

Finally!

A fingerpainting masterpiece

A blog is not a blog unless it is updated regularly...at least that's what makes a blog worth following right? So henceforth, even if I only come up with dreary, mundane posts about baking cookies and what's happening in my vege patch, so be it.

It's been two months since I was last on here...my two other blogs have suffered a similar fate. Partly it's been a conscious decision to spend less time in front of a screen, and then when I do, it's mostly to reply to emails or check a few favourite websites. Anyway, the point is, that I actually do miss blogging - so I'm going to make an effort to update more regularly. The reason why I've managed to find time to blog now, during my daughter's afternoon nap, rather than cooking, baking or cleaning, is because my parents are here. Mum has already cooked; I baked some cookies while they took Boo to the park this morning and there's no point doing any serious cleaning until the visitors depart and the house is back to normal. So really, it's all about time and priorities - and unfortunately blogging lags behind the other priorities of running a household. I just wish my parents would come more frequently, but they can really only manage the 2.5 hour trip every couple of months. To anyone out there who does have frequent and willing support in the form of family and friends - can I say that I am highly envious of you!!! I really think that parenting would be so much easier and more satisfying if there was one or two other people who could come and share the work every now and again.

Oh well, enough blathering for now. I've had my morning (well, afternoon) coffee and I might even be able to squeeze in a shower before the afternoon session begins! See you soon I hope!

Going slow

A new catchphrase has hit the world of parenting....it's called Slow Parenting, an offshoot of the Slow Food movement, where everything to do with our fast-paced, super-hectic, I've-got-no-time-for-anything-anymore lifestyles is given the shove in favour of life in the slower lane...with time to smell the roses...

Funnily enough, the new Slow Parenting movement has been blamed on the world-wide recession...parents suddenly have tighter budgets, so the costly after-school and weekend activities have been given the chop; food prices are going up, so the backyard vegie garden is back in vogue. The downturn in the economic climate has seemingly forced some parents to stop outsourcing their children's entertainment and activities and *shock horror* actually spend time with their kids themselves!

Sometimes I think that my own life couldn't actually get any slower, but just recently, I have realised that if not slow down, I could at least simplify and free up some of my time. Basically I suppose I'm talking about rejigging my priorities.

I think it started when we were away on holidays just recently...spending time with family and friends and a lot more time with my hubby, invariably meant that I was tied to my laptop a lot less often. The forum that I used to visit a hundred times a day has hardly had a visit; neither have the myriad other websites that used to make up my daily trawl. I was also given a new book on bread making that suddenly reignited my passion for baking and so I leapt into the world of sourdough...and you REALLY can't get much slower than baking with sourdough!

Anyway, one warm and sunny afternoon, I found myself sitting down with thoughts streaming out of my head and onto paper...madly scribbling down all the things that I needed to do to bring me to a better place as a wife, as a mother, and, as, well, just me. Some of the things are about getting back to basics - like my newfound sourdough obssession...there is something deeply and immensely satisfying about handcrafting your own loaf from just three ingredients - flour, water and salt. Some things are about trying to save money by doing things for myself - like taking on my own vegetable and herb garden...the only problem with that one is that I hate getting my hands dirty...yep, that's right...an instant FAIL for Parenting 101!

Some things are about saving time, or rather, making time - like cutting down my TV and internet time so that I can spend more time on other things like reading and devising simple art and craft activities to do with my 18 month old daughter. Some things are about taking time to nurture my spirit. For me, this means setting aside some time each day for prayer and meditation - something I have often struggled to be consistent with. And some things are just about making life beautiful - planting a flower garden as well as having a vase of flowers inside the house too.

Some friends of mine, even before they had children, introduced us to the idea of 'Magic Moments'. Every day, before dinner, as they sat around the table, they each reflected about one magical moment that they had experienced that day, something that made them stop and smile and savour the beauty that is life itself in all its simple, everyday ordinary-ness. It didn't have to be something mind-blowingly amazing, in fact, more often it was simply something small and beautiful that they would otherwise have forgotten in a busy, hectic day. Perhaps a beautiful sunrise, a smile from a stranger, the laughter of children playing or the aroma of a freshly baked loaf of bread. Actually up until now, I'd forgotten how nice it was to celebrate the magic moments of daily life in this way...perhaps it's something else to go on my slow schedule.

My hope is that the new wave of slowness that is seemingly washing over the world of parenting, may eventually trickle down right to the baby days as well. I think that the tendency to fast-track kids through childhood affects babies the most - they are forced to wean prematurely from the breast (the WHO recommends that babies are breastfed for at least two years); they are forced to prematurely soothe themselves to sleep and they are forced into premature separation from their parents. How much more satisfying and nourishing would childhood be if it was left to occur unhurried, undisturbed...

So if the recession is forcing people to slow down, to simplify, to spend more time with their kids, then bring it on I say! For my part, as I sit here, in front of a computer screen, although life here is already slow, I realise that it can also be more nourishing and more fulfilling and that the choice is mine to make. My sourdough is gently warming near the dwindling fire, ready to bake a fresh loaf of bread tomorrow; the lime tart that I baked earlier today is cooling on the kitchen bench and the playful afternoon that I spent with my daughter at the park has helped to ease her into a sound and peaceful slumber. Sounds pretty good to me already...

To spend is to live

OK, I have to admit it, I must be a bit of a freak. I hate spending money unnecessarily on my daughter. I don’t believe that the only way she can have fun, enjoy herself and be occupied is dependent on me spending money towards this end. Part of this boils down to the fact that we don’t have an enormously high disposable income but it is also, I feel, a bit of a rail against the highly consumerist, materialistic, disposable society that I am now bringing my daughter up in. It is also a great deal to do with how we were brought up as children…there’s no easy way to say this – my dad was, and still is, a miser. He refused to spend money on either himself or his family unless it was absolutely necessary – and his definition of ‘necessary’ sometimes bordered on the absurd! I still have visions of him wandering around in threadbare pyjamas that seemed held together by a miraculous web of cotton threads. To be fair to my father, though, he did have a plan. The plan was to save up as much money as he could so that he could give all of his children a debt-free start to life. But, I digress…

Influenced both by my father’s strict fiscal policies, my own Bahá’í ideals of striving to live a less materialistic lifestyle and our own lack of ready money, has led me to rail against the almost invisible pressures that seem to command us that to spend is to live. The point was driven home rather painfully a few days ago when we were with Boo’s grandparents at a busy marketplace in the city. We had all stopped to have a bite to eat. Nearby, there was one of those mechanical rides for kids that you pay for. It was a simple chair-lift that went round and round a picture of the globe with flashing lights. Now both Boo and her cousin were more than happy to sit in the motionless seat and just pretend – you know, that thing children of yesteryear seemed enormously capable of doing without resort to their parents’ wallet… I was happy that they were finding a way to entertain themselves and each other safely and happily without much call for parental intervention. They weren’t complaining, they weren’t demanding, they weren’t grumbling. They were just happy playing. But it seems that was not enough…soon enough, along came a grandparent with a gleaming coin, ready to insert into the slot. I rather surreptitiously whisked Boo away and her cousin got the ride, which lasted all of about sixty seconds. He grinned away as the chair lurched in fits and starts around the globe, but soon the entertainment was over and he moved on to the next source of occupation – food.

And here it happened again. Boo had just eaten breakfast and wasn’t particularly hungry – of course she loves picking things from what everyone else is eating, but she didn’t require anything specifically for her, and I certainly wasn’t about to buy anything. But, no, the ever-perceptive grandparents, decided that seeing as everyone else was eating something (apart from me), she must require something too. So off they went and bought her a blueberry muffin. Of course, I felt that it was my duty to ensure that she ate some as it was bought specifically for her (regardless of the fact that it wasn’t something I would have bought for her in the first place...but that’s another story!). She picked at a few blueberries but she would have been just as happy without it.

A short while later, she wandered over to the ride again, whilst everyone was finishing their meals. As she was happily climbing on the ride, the golden coin was slipped into the machine and she was given her due turn. A well-intentioned grandparent explained that her cousin had been given a go so it was only fair that she had a turn as well. The eyes turned on me as I protested that they could ‘save their money until she actually knows that she’s missing out on something’. Not to be discouraged, the proud grandparents strapped her in for her sixty seconds of jerky entertainment. She was mildly entertained; they, it seems had the majority of the fun. Later I said that it was unnecessary and that she would have been equally as happy without the ride. At this, my mother-in-law looked at me and said “Well, do you object when her father throws her up in the air?”. A bit baffled by the logic behind this argument, I merely replied “Of course not, because he can do that for free”. She shook her head at me and said “One day when you’re a grandparent, you’ll understand”.

Actually I think I’ll probably feel the same way as I do now, though I suppose only time will tell. I just want to avoid creating a situation where my daughter feels that she always has to have a ride whenever we walk past one; that if someone else is having a go then she has to have a go too; that I have to pay money for her to be entertained; and that her grandparents are good for getting things out of. That’s not what I want for her, for myself or for them. I know it’s a big leap from one isolated incident to the scenario above, but I am ever conscious of the dreaded slippery-slope downwards. I’d rather not succumb right from the start. It makes everything easier in the long run.

I suppose I’m really also railing against the commodification of childhood. I want to teach my daughter that she CAN’T have everything that she wants; that there is a clear and discernible difference between needs and wants; and that it is not morally right for people in one part of the world to live in abject poverty with their most basic of needs being unmet while at the same time it being possible for us to have anything and everything that we want, when we want it. I’m not suggesting that we all live on rice and water in empathy for those who are in desperate circumstances, but I am advocating that it is up to the adults of today to show the younger generation that regardless of our wealth and material circumstances, we all need to be a lot more conscious and economical about the way we live and about how we spend our time and our money. Yes, we should use the money we have rightfully earned to make our lives comfortable and enjoyable, but surely there must be a limit to our wants and desires? We need to rise up to the nobility of our station rather than sink into the ever more gloomy depths of hedonistic desire.

We need far less than we think we need and we want far more than we need to want.

The unwritten tablet

There's probably nothing that makes you ponder your own parenting choices and approach as much as when you are in the company of an unlikeable child. I don't believe that any child should be unlikeable. It seems so wrong. Aren't children supposed to be happy, carefree, joyful, adventurous, innocent and awe-filled? Aren't they supposed to be fun to hang out with? So when you meet a child who you'd rather not hang out with, it makes you wonder how, in so few years, they have become this way.

I suppose I also don't believe that children can be born bad, evil or with a poor character. They aren't born like that, they slowly become that way. It's even sadder when these children are related to you in some way; part of your extended family. But there it is - I know such a child and he is related to me. He whinges; he complains; he demands attention; he refuses to share his things but asserts his right to other people's things; he's bossy; he doesn't listen; he can't be left by himself for a moment - there always must be another adult around to pay attention to him. All in all, he's just not that nice. And he's not yet even four years old. The worst part is that it just isn't his fault - I don't believe that he had to turn out that way. I know plenty of other three and four year old's who are perfectly nice - they are fun, they listen, they can share...of course they have their moments too, but on the whole, you wouldn't try to purposely hide from them when you see them coming!

So, my question is...what on earth can happen in such a short span of time to create this situation? I don't like to be judgmental towards other parents. I don't like to feel as if I'm being superior. I would never openly criticise what some other parent chooses to do when it comes to raising their own child. But when I do come across a child who is so patently unlikeable, it does make me wonder how it all came about. I don't want to go into the details of what I think the parents have done 'wrong' in this case...but seeing as I do know a fair bit about how this child has been brought up, I guess I can surmise from this example a few clues about what I would do differently. So, here goes...

- Aim high! If I want my child to behave well, I need to set my expectations high. Children live up or live down to your expectations. If you don't believe that children can learn how to share until they're 10 years old, they won't. I remember quite clearly once how the father of this child told me that he would have to lower his expectations with the next child - this was after a particular incident where the boy was refusing to share or cooperate.

- Don't always use age, stage or other factors like hunger, illness or tiredness as the reason for the poor behaviour. Too often these things cloud the real reason and it's too easy just to assume that it is external factors that are the major contributing factor. I believe that there are usually good reasons for why children behave in certain ways, and constantly blaming hunger or tiredness etc. can prevent you from getting to the heart of the matter and attempting to correct it.

- If you want your child to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Right from the start, from when they are newborn. Listen to them, respond to their needs, be sensitive, be attentive. How can anyone be expected to listen to their parents, be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others if their own needs were ignored, brushed over, downplayed or neglected when they were at their most needy and dependent stage? This to me is where practices such as controlled crying cause the most damage.

- Teach my child from the earliest age that all their toys and possessions, while belonging to them, should be shared with others. Firstly I would do this by ensuring that I model such behaviour myself, such as playing lots of turn-taking games right from the start. I would try to show to my child that sharing things and taking turns is actually way more enjoyable than playing by yourself (most of the time!). We would talk about how sharing and playing together makes you feel good inside. We would read stories, sing songs and talk about sharing, generosity etc. whenever a teachable moment appears. This is where programs such as The Virtues Project would come in handy.

- Show respect to your child and expect respect back. This follows on from one of my previous points about listening to your child. Basically, any behaviour that I want to see and develop in my child, needs to be modelled first and foremost by the parents. If I always talk to my child respectfully (of course this doesn't preclude shouting out "Stop" at the top of my lungs if I see them running towards a road), they will learn through my example how to speak to me. Don't listen to whingy, complaining, whiny voices. Ask my child if they would like it if I spoke to them like that.

Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that to me children are more or less blank slates when it comes to their character. I understand that genetics may play a small part in determining their temperament and personal characteristics, but I believe a far more powerful influence is their environment - the way they have been parented, the influence of other adults in their lives, the atmosphere of their home and community, the words that are spoken to them, and of course, the example that their parents set in the first place...

The babe, like unto a green and tender branch, will grow according to the way it is trained. If the training be right, it will grow right, and if crooked, the growth likewise, and unto the end of life it will conduct itself accordingly.

Baha'i Writings

In memorium

A few days ago, we attended the funeral of an old family friend. She had been ill for some time and in a great deal of pain, so release from this world was a blessing for her. Her and her husband had been friends of my parents; we had been to her home many times as young children. Some people are just special. These two were extra special. Though having no children of her own, she was a kindergarten teacher, and visits to her home were eagerly anticipated by myself and my three siblings.

As we all grew older, moved away from home, travelled and returned, we have all remained in touch with this wonderful couple. It is a sign of something tremendous when the friends of the parents become the friends of the children. I was so pleased to be able to introduce my husband and then my child to them both. Each time we visited, my memory flooded with scenes of happiness from my childhood...large glasses of lemonade (something we were rarely allowed to have at home); the hammock under the trees; totem tennis; the beautiful garden...I now relish these memories and am reminded that one's childhood is NEVER history. It stays with you forever. Some memories are indelible; they neither fade nor diminish. In fact, I think sometimes memories of childhood, whether happy or sad, can even become disproportionate...the happiness seems happier, the sadness, even sadder.

My childhood was not something that I look back on with great fondness. I had an authoritarian father and usually it was only when he was out of the house that a collective release from tension occurred. So the times we visited our old friends seem so vivid in their contrast to our sombre home life. There was something magical about those visits. We felt free to be kids, free to play, free to enjoy ourselves. For me, it all serves as a reminder, as if I needed one, that the earliest years of our life define and shape our view of ourselves, others and our place in the world. The words that are spoken to us, the feelings of our heart, our memories stay with us, reverbrating for all time. It makes me so determined to do my best by my little girl. To give her so much more of the happiness that for me and my siblings seemed all too fleeting.

So this post is written in memorium to a wonderful woman who, possibly unbeknowst to her, has helped to shape me as a mother. And I can't possibly thank her enough for that.

A blueprint for parenting

I've been thinking a bit recently about why I parent the way I do. In many ways, my parenting style is a reaction to the way I was parented myself - in that I am deliberately choosing NOT to do a lot of the things that were done to me when I was a child. It's also influenced by the fact that I tend to be a little bit anti-authoritarian, a little bit non-conformist...but this also goes back to the way I was brought up: my father was pretty authoritarian, so when I left home and I found that I had the freedom to question things for myself, take control and ultimately do whatever I wanted to do, I did. So, my parenting is about NOT parenting the way I was parented and not doing what anyone tells me to do simply because I don't have to. But there's more to it than that.

I thought a great deal about parenthood before I even fell pregnant. Maybe this is because I am a teacher and in my job, I talked with parents daily. I despaired over what some of them did or didn't do with regard to their children and I encouraged and praised the efforts of those who were trying their best to do a good job. I probably also did my fair share of 'blaming the parents' when I saw kids with lunchboxes laden with packet upon packet of artificial food; kids who couldn't behave, who couldn't pay attention; kids who were cruel to others, bullies, and downright brats. It was always the parents fault, right?

Wrong. Now that I'm a parent myself, I can see how difficult it is to always do your best, even when you know what's best and when you want to do your best. Not enough time, not enough support, not enough energy...

But I digress...my parenting style. It's been influenced by what I see other parents do (usually in the sense of "I am NEVER going to let my child eat that, do that, watch that, wear that...)! It's also been influenced a little bit by what I have read and researched, though this probably holds true more for the pregnancy and birth side of things rather than the actual parenting. I am a notorious researcher....when I became pregnant, I literally read at least fifty books on pregnancy, labour and birth. I just HAD to know. I didn't want ANYONE telling me what to do, when to breathe,when to push, how long I was 'allowed' to labour for, what position I could be in. Again the anti-authoritarian steps up.

I didn't feel that I needed to research the parenting part though. I always felt that I knew EXACTLY how I was going to raise my child, right from its earliest moments in this world. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that my baby would be the most important thing in the world. That I would have to listen to her, respond to her immediately, make her feel safe, secure, warm, loved. I knew that she would need to be near to me. I knew that she would need to be fed constantly in her first few weeks. It just seemed to be instinctive, natural. It all made complete sense.

I've often wondered WHY I felt such confidence in my untested abilities right from the start. WHY did I think that I knew best? Why was I so sure that my way was the right way? I'd heard countless new mum's tell of their confusion of the early days and weeks - not knowing who to listen to, who to believe, what to do. I never, ever felt like that. I never doubted myself for a second, even when others voiced their differing opinions or advice. I knew that I was right.

At the heart of the matter, then, is my faith. I am a Baha'i...I have been so for almost twelve years now. Is it from my religion that I gain my confidence then? I know that the teachings of my Faith put the highest amount of emphasis on the raising of children, on their education and upbringing. On the duties and sacred responsibilities of parents. On the high standards called for - in both children and parents. So maybe this has made me keenly aware of my responsibility as a parent - my determination to try and get it right. One passage from the writings of the Faith has stayed with me in particular over the last few years...maybe this statement, more than anything else, informs my parenting. It is from the international governing body of the Baha'i Faith - the Universal House of Justice. The following was written in the year 2000.

Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity.

An all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them - these are all among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose. They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha'i standards...

So herein may lie the heart of my parenting philosophy. Contained in one paragraph, these words have become my parenting compass. I can assess my decisions and my actions as a parent and see if they hold true to these words or if they fall short. It is, in truth, a sometimes burdensome weight of responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be without them. This is authority that I can willingly bend to. This is my parenting blueprint.

Welcome to the 'hood

Well, it has taken one year, one month, two weeks and three days, but it seems like it's finally happening...the first glimmerings of being accepted into The MotherHood! On Fridays, I take Boo to a group called Mainly Music. It is run by the Anglican Church and basically provides a fun program based on singing, actions and rhymes for mums and their babies/toddlers to participate in. It is without a doubt, the best thing going for mums and kids in this town (yep, it's first out of two choices)!

So, there I was, watching Boo playing with the other kids after the session, and suddenly, I hear my name being called out. I look up, and two mums, who I quite like, start wending their way toward me. Slightly alarmed, I look up at them as they look down on me...."Now, you don't have to say 'yes' straight away..."

Turns out, they are part of a committee organising a Parent & Kids Expo here in September...a one-day affair designed to provide information, resources and activities for parents and their children. And why did they want my help? Turns out they think I grow vegetables. I don't. But my husband does, and everyone who walks past our backyard (which is open for the world to see), knows exactly whats going on there! So they basically thought that, given my obvious predilection for vegetables (which turns out to be non-existent) I may be interested in helping with a stall where kids get to plant their own herb/vegetable seeds to take home and look after. Without much thought, I said 'yes', and even volunteered the services of my dear hubby!

Some time after that, another lady came up to me and asked me if I was interested in coming to her Thermomix demo. Again I said 'yes' pretty much straight away. It was interesting that she asked me actually - she has lived here for many years and I would have thought she would have been more likely to ask some of the other mums to come, in preference to me. Well maybe she did and they all said 'no' and I was the last name left on her list! Who knows? I'm taking it as a positive sign that I am starting to be accepted into the 'hood. I'm also putting this down partly to the fact that I have been trying to drop hints that we will be staying here 'forever' - that we have no intention of jumping ship anytime soon. People here aren't interested in anyone they think is just a flash in the pan...that much has become clear to me. So I've been trying to score myself some brownie points...and I think it's working!

Home free

Kodaikanal, India

After a great deal of hesitancy (mostly to do with feeling like 'the outsider') I have joined the local playgroup. It's on two mornings a week - so that's at least two opportunities to get out of the house and go somewhere. Now is it just me, or do you think you can actually tell which mums you're more likely to get along with or not? There are a few mums who just send off some pretty clear 'not interested in you' vibes. I'm polite to them; if there's an opportunity to exchange pleasantries, I will - but I don't look for opportunities to get to know them any better. Then there are other mums who are always ready with a smile or a friendly word. They'll come up next to me while I'm at the swing pushing Boo and we'll have a nice chat.

Now that I've got one friend who I feel quite close to, even though we've only known each other for a month, I don't feel any pressure to be liked or accepted by anyone else. I now feel completely free to be myself and state my views, no matter how they may be taken. I've already mentioned to a few mums that I co-sleep and that I'm 'still' breastfeeding. Pretty outrageous stuff huh? I've decided that I'll just be open about where I'm coming from - anyone who feels that I'm a bit too weird for them can take me or leave me. Anyone who still wants to hang around with me - good for them!

Yesterday I went to the playgroup and when I walked in (late of course), all the mums were sitting in a half-circle while watching their children play. So I was feeling slightly intimidated as I advanced towards them pushing my crappy old stroller (it is actually quite amusing to see my three-decades-old stroller sitting alongside these shiny, new, enormous perambulators)! Anyway, I looked around for a friendly face and saw only one. All the rest were those 'vibesy' type mums who are clearly not interested in me. In fact, some haven't even made eye contact with me yet, even though I've been going to playgroup for some months now! Well, the freedom of not caring what anyone thinks of me is quite liberating. I didn't feel comfortable in sitting down and letting Boo roam unsupervised, so I said hello to the one friendly face and then went off with Boo. Later on some other mum's also left the circle to wander after their littlies, but I have to admit I do find it a little annoying when some poor kid wants to climb up on a swing or trampoline and tries in vain to attract their mother's attention. In the end, there is always another mother who steps in, but there are definitely those that prefer to sit and watch from a distance. Oh well. None of my business I suppose.

Anyway, so no real pearls of wisdom here today...just the thought that it is very nice to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel any need to be other than I am. It is a very liberating feeling and I am really enjoying being in this space now.

A poem

Your hand

I hold your hand in mine
You don’t know how this makes me feel

Warm and safe and protective
I am your protector
And you are now my life
Your hand, your fingers, so small and so precious
You place your trust in me
I am your mother

You are my child
I want to feel your hand clasped around mine forever
It is as if there is no other place in the world for it
Just me and you
Together
and alone

Written Saturday 14th March 2009

In pursuit of the perfect loaf

Cranberry, date & raisin spelt loaf

Time to go off topic...enough about my random musings on parenting...time for another real love - baking! We recently bought a bread machine - partly because we don't really like the taste and additives found in supermarket bread (and there are no artisan bakeries in a 200km radius!) and partly because it will save us some money (a standard white loaf here costs a minimum of $4 and you never get markdowns here!). My husband has also just harvested his first crop of spelt and kamut and there'll be a lot more interesting grains coming in the future (teff and emmer just to name a couple!).

For the last few months, I've just stuck to a plain old spelt/rye loaf. It took me a few goes to get it right, but now I pretty much know what I'm looking for with the consistency and texture of the dough. However it was only when Boo pilfered a piece of fruit bread from a visiting friend and scoffed it down before you could say "Preservative 282" that I decided it was high time to branch out and take my baking to the next level - a fruit loaf. Now why on earth hadn't I thought of that before?

Anyway, I scoured some recipe books, writing down a list of ingredients as I went. I'm probably what's best known as a 'compilation cook' - I mix and match recipes and come up with my own version. I decided to try a cranberry, date and raisin loaf. The first attempt was OK, but the loaf didn't rise very much and even sank a little in the centre. I expected it to be heavy because I had used about 30% rye flour, but something else was wrong. I decided that it was the old yeast that I had been using. So I tried again with a new sachet of yeast. Same result. Brilliant taste but only good for toasting due to the heavy texture.

For attempt number three, I decided, after a little more reading around, that it was probably that my dough had been too wet. So I monitored the third loaf very carefully and voila...it rose beautifully (but not too much) and the taste was fantastic. I'm looking forward to some further experimentation!

TV or no TV?

Right from the start, even before I fell pregnant, I have been determined to keep my daughter TV free during her earliest years. I was thinking maybe until 3. This is partly based on the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation (no TV until after the age of 2) and partly based on my knowledge of early language development (I used to work in this field) and partly it's also just been gut instinct. And I suppose it was also based on experience with kids who have obviously spent too much time in front of the box (anyone seen a kid with a three-tenths of a millisecond attention span...it ain't pretty)!

So, fast forward to almost 16 months, and let's see where we're at. The first time I actively watched TV with my daughter was when she was sick with a bout of roseola about a month ago. She was listless, clingy and had no energy for anything. All she wanted to do was lay in my lap. It got a bit boring after a while, so I caved in...I grabbed a DVD of The Wiggles and away we went for the next hour...

Ok, ok, I didn't really stoop that low...instead, out came David Attenborough's 'Planet Earth', replete with scenes of crocodiles tearing into wildebeest, lions ripping into juicy zebra flesh and bright pink babboon bottoms. Much more age appropriate and stimulating viewing I thought! Actually, Boo was quite interested, even through her sickness, although her attention lasted all of about ten minutes!

Fast forward another month and the rot really has started to set in...we've now seen two partial episodes of Play School! The first time it was an accident. Boo was asleep and I was editing a TV show I had taped earlier. She woke up while I was part way through so I quickly finished while she was sitting on the couch beside me. When I went to turn the TV off, the screen flashed with a doggy, which of course, immediately captured her attention. It was Play School, featuring a rather old and listless golden retriever. So we watched a little bit and she was quite interested to see the singing, pictures of children playing and of course, the doggy. So, ten minutes of TV...no harm done.

Yesterday, Boo went down for her afternoon nap very early, meaning that by the time she woke up, I had 4 hours with her before Daddy got home. FOUR HOURS and nowhere to go...it was close to 40 degrees outside so staying indoors was the only option. We made it through to almost three hours before I decided that I really needed a break. I noticed that it had just gone 3:00pm...it was Play School time.

So, we plopped on the couch together and turned on the box. It was actually pretty good! Play School is one of the best television programs for children - highly appropriate content, scenes that are slow and not heavily-edited, songs, rhymes, craft ideas, animals etc. Imagine my delight when two turkeys were shown as well - Boo has recently learned how to make gobble-gobble noises and knows that this is what a turkey says! All in all, I was quite impressed, and if I'm stuck again, I don't think that I'll hesitate to watch Play School with her.

But I've not completely given in to the dark side...I still have some TV Rules for myself:

1. Always watch TV together with your child
2. Select age appropriate content
3. Limit TV viewing to half an hour a day at most until the age of three (this recommendation is based on the pioneering book on infant and child language development 'Baby Talk' by Dr Sally Ward.

I don't believe that TV is evil - but it does need to be used wisely. I also find that I do need to set boundaries for myself as much as for my daughter - I'm determined not to fall into the trap of letting the box babysit my daughter...all in all, I'm pretty pleased with our progress to date.

Underparenting

A few weeks ago I listened to a radio podcast on 'Overparenting' - basically parents who overschedule their kids and fill every hour up with another dance class or basketball practice or flute tuition and so on. Basically parents trying to give their child every single opportunity in life that they may have missed out on. OK, so the kids wouldn't have a moment to themselves, just to BE, to PLAY, to be kiddy-like....but as I pondered the story, my mind drifted to a different scenario....perhaps I would call it Underparenting.

I see it so often, sadly. A man wheels his boy into the local community park. The boy is let out of the pram. The dad lights up a cigarette. The boy gets upset while in the sandpit. The dad picks him up, plonks him back in his pram again, and off they go. That was 5 minutes in the park. A woman yells at her daughter "I'll belt you one" as the girl struggles with removing her shoes. Apparently she's taking them off the 'wrong way'. The mother re-iterates her threat to 'give her a good belting'. The child, ragged-looking and with a face that yearns for attention, finally manages to remove her shoes...without her mother's help. A mother at playgroup pretends to kick a child who is lying on the floor screaming. She says "I'll give you something to scream about" and then makes a joke about child abuse and that "it doesn't matter coz it's not my child". Two mothers sit at a cafe, while their babies are sucking dummies in their prams. The mothers light up. The babies inhale smoke from not one, but two, cigarettes. This is what I mean by underparenting.

Yesterday I read a post by someone on a forum I visit daily. It was about a family that came to visit them, where it became obvious that the parenting skills of the family in question, were really quite poor. Poor perhaps because of a lack of education, of support, of good role models. The lady who wrote the post explained that rather than judge the family or try to correct them or offer advice, she just went about her usual way of parenting her children. The other family were pretty quick to pick up on what she was doing and commented "Oh I never thought of doing it that way". What a positive example for that family - no-one lecturing them, telling them that they were doing things wrong - just leading by example, through their actions foremost, not their words.

This is what I will keep in mind when I am faced with situations of underparenting around me - just go about doing what I do, set a positive example, be a good role model and let my actions speak for themselves.

The inconsequential moments of motherhood...

Yesterday afternoon, one of our friends dropped in for a catch-up. He's a lovely guy, in his early 40s, single, one dog, no kids. I get the feeling that he loves his dog more than anyone or anything else in the world. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice dog - great temperament, very well-behaved, kind of cute....but hey, it's a dog. At one stage of the afternoon he even said that dogs and kids were pretty much the same. I didn't even know where to start. Anyway, let's get to the point...

So, he came in and we chatted away for a while - how his business is doing, what's happening with his ex-girlfriend who's been giving him trouble, what his parents are up to, his holiday plans, his new business idea and so on it went. I started getting a bit frustrated that the 'conversation' was all about him. What about us? What about me? What about Boo?

After he left, I wondered what I would even have had to say if he had thought to ask after me; what I've been doing. My usual answer is something along the lines of "Oh nothing much" or "Oh you know, just the usual". I find that I just tend to downplay my life as a mother with people who aren't parents....I guess I figure that what I do at home all day must just seem like mundane, boring, mind-numbing 'stuff'. But is it?

I started to think of what I do as a mother and I decided that while there's nothing in and of itself that is particularly news-worthy, all of it together amounts to just so much. What do I do? I crawl after Boo pretending to chase her. I read her stories. We play peek-a-boo. We sometimes go out if it isn't too hot. We play in the garden; feeding the ducks and chooks, hunting for the last remaining grapes on the vine, playing in the sandpit. She presses the buttons on the washing machine for me once I've loaded it up. We play with musical instruments. We make a mess in the kitchen cupboards. We sing and dance together. We eat lunch. We play with dolly and teddy. We feed the fish. We play hide and seek. We blow bubbles. It's all completely inconsequential. It's hardly worthy of conversation. Even my hubby only gets the highlights - what new word Boo tried to say, where she tried to climb, what her latest accident involved...

But it is these inconsequential moments of motherhood, that fill our days and our weeks and our months that indeed hold within them the power to transform the human race. I know that what I am doing, very intentionally, is raising a new member of the human race...someone with the capacity to understand that we are always kind to others, that we take responsibility for our actions, that we show love and gratitude to all, that we commune with our creator, that all are actions in this world have an influence on the progress of our soul in the next...A day in the life of a mother may not make for great conversation but it WILL make for a great planet. And that's not inconsequential at all.

Making friends, building communities

I've been in this town now for one year and one month. In the whole of the first year I was here, I made a grand total of ONE friend. I was actually quite impressed with myself. In the last month, however, I've made another friend. The funny thing is though, I feel closer to this new friend, whom I've known for a month, than I do to the friend that I have carefully and slowly nurtured a friendship with over the last year. Well, I guess that's the nature of friendships. The thing is, when you live in a small town, you're not spoilt for choice...you've got to make the best of what you've got. If I was in the city, I'd be home free. I could have joined an ABA group, I could have stayed in touch with the mums from my antenatal classes and of course I would have become closer to the other mothers in my previous Baha'i community. I would have been able to self-select my friends and be quite comfortable in my chosen circle.

Not here though. Sometimes I have felt that I have to pretend to be something else...which I just can't do. I still remember the day I put Boo in my Ergo carrier and headed off to the mum's group. It was the middle of winter and she was so snug and warm against my body - it was great! I arrived at the door, there were a few massive prams outside and I could barely squeeze into the room for the number of awkward, unwieldy prams crowding the inner space as well. I felt everyone's eyes on me, the newcomer. I'm sure some mums hadn't even seen a baby carrier before...the eyeballs were literally rolling on the floor. Well, I tried to be nonchalant and even when Boo started to grizzle, I walked into an adjoining room, did a quick few laps of the room, and voila, she was asleep!

Anyway, I digress. It's really important for mothers to maintain contact with the 'outside' world. It can be very easy to lose touch with others and become confined to your own home. This has happened to me - partly because I have found it hard to make friends here and partly because the relentless heat does make it difficult to go out for very long, if at all. But I am relishing having a friend who lives walking distance from me, and whose company I enjoy and can feel at ease with. I feel like I am free to be me, which is the most important thing in a true friendship - not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. I am relieved.

Since becoming a mother, I have realised that noone was ever meant to be at home by themselves 24/7 with one or more children. It is unnatual and extremely difficult. I no longer wonder why the incidence of post-natal depression is so high in Australia and getting higher. There needs to be more support for mothers and parents in general. I long for the days when extended family or closely-knit communities come back. This is what we need to raise children - the village approach. We will have happier mums and happier kids that way. So what does this look like for me - with no family nearby? It means starting to build a community around me - starting with other mothers and their children. Starting by making a friend.

How long can I last?

A scene from our recent visit to the city

Today is the third day of the nineteen-day (one Baha'i month) fasting period in the Baha'i calendar. Because I am breastfeeding, I am exempt from observing the Fast. But because the physical fasting is only one aspect of the fasting month, it is still really important to me to make this month one of physical and spiritual rejuvenation. And that's actually where it helps to fast...you are reminded of this special period each time you feel a pang of hunger or thirst. So, in order to at least try to observe some type of fast, I decided I'd give up my morning coffee - the one thing that I MUST have every day (yep, I'd rather forgo a shower than miss my morning cuppa)!

So yesterday, the headache arrived. The one that said "lady, you are addicted to caffeine". Not even a headache tablet helped. When I woke this morning, it was worse than ever. I took two headache tablets before I even had my breakfast. My head still throbbed. I called up a friend and invited her over, something to take my mind off my sore head. She arrived and I asked her if she'd like a cuppa. "Only if you're having one" was the reply...

Hmmm....first hurdle - do I have a cuppa too, just so I can be polite and keep her company, or do I explain that I'm trying to go caffeine-free for fasting purposes (she doesn't know that I'm a Baha'i yet) and so break my fast before it's even begun? Well, I'm afraid I took option one and now feel like a complete failure...but at least my headache's gone!

A break in the weather

A cool change has swept across the town in the last few days, each day even more pleasant than the preceding one. I've been so used to days of high 30s to low 40s that I get so excited when a cool day arrives. For a start, it means that I can leave my prison barracks. Well, that is how it feels when you physically cannot leave the house after 10am in the morning. Some weeks it feels like I've been in solitary confinement and I do feel quite low.

But I made the most of the weather and feel so much better for it. Yesterday, me & Boo went for a bushwalk to a nearby walk trail. She got a free ride in my Ergo backpack for the first part and then when we reached the top of the rock, she got out and enjoyed scampering over the surface, picking up rocks from one pile and putting them in another!

Today, we drove 10kms out to a salt lake. Sounds exciting huh? In winter, the lake is full (but still very salty); in summer, the water has all but gone, leaving a scaly, crystal surface. We sat in the sand by the edge of the salt for a while and then walked out into the middle. Boo enjoyed the noise her feet made as they broke through the hard, crunchy surface. She even tried a bit of the salt but wasn't too impressed!


At one point, the sun was pleasantly warm on my back and the breeze was cool and refreshing. I was gazing at my beautiful daughter, with no-one else around to interupt us. I was just so happy. This is motherhood.

Aaaaaahhh...it must be coffee time

There is a tranquility in the air....the aroma of fresh coffee fills my senses....my daughter must be asleep! Yep, as soon as Boo goes for her afternoon nap, the first thing I do is make myself a coffee with the brand new coffee machine that hubby bought me for my birthday. It makes a fantastic coffee, and while I indulge, I browse some of my favourite websites - the Australian Breastfeeding Association's forum, which I love, maybe a news site, the local weather site and now, my own blog site.

But the magical hour and a half is over very quickly but at least I am recharged enough for round two. So, here's to afternoon naps - let's hope I have a few more months of this mid-afternoon bliss still to come!

Where do I start...

Photo taken at our farm

Ok, maybe I should give you a bit of background. My daughter was born 15 months ago. It was not a planned or unplanned pregnancy...it kind of just happened and my husband and I just went with the flow. I always wanted to have children so the prospect of impending motherhood excited me enormously. Fantastic, stress-free pregnancy. Peaceful, calm waterbirth at home. The first few weeks and months went very well....and then we moved house. Well, we actually moved right out of the city to a small town of around a thousand people, two and a half hours away from the nearest city. Well, we survived that...just...and eventually settled in to our new home and new life in the country. We have been here just one year now. I am still on maternity leave (unpaid of course!) and I see motherhood as my career now...until all our children are in school full time.

But I am really interested in parenting and the choices people make when it comes to how to raise their children. I would probably have to describe myself as being at almost the opposite end of the spectrum to a lot of mainstream parenting practices that I see around me...this is not necessarily intentional - I just know really clearly what I will and will not do when it comes to raising children...and that seems to set me apart a little.

Since moving here, I have made two friends (not bad huh!), but I think it may take a while before I am accepted by the majority of mothers here. This is a very conservative town...people don't generally behave too 'differently' from the norm. There are unwritten laws governing social conduct. My problem is I just can't be naffed doing things in any other way than my own! So, we'll see what happens to me (I think I'll end up being seen as a harmless, slightly eccentric, hippie mum!)

The summer here is long and very hot. Most days are well above 35 degrees Celcius (that's 95 degrees Farenheit!) and this lasts for between 5-6 months! So it's too hot to go out and there's actually not a lot to do in this town anyway. One is very much left to one's own resources. Which is why it is important that I make friends, so that I can at least visit other mums and have people over.

My daughter, let's call her Boo, is a delight and I treasure my days with her. It's not all a bed of roses though. There have been some really difficult times for me recently - over the summer holidays (6 weeks) everything closes down here - the playgroup, the mothers group, the music group, the library (that's all there is). So unless you know other people, there is quite literally, nothing to do and nowhere to go. Like I said, it's too hot to go outside after 10am and I have no family or close friends nearby. I only just survived...in fact, in the sixth week I actually did crack. But, I'm over that now, back on track, I've just made another friend (another mum who has also recently moved here) and things are starting to look up. Whew!

Am I the perfect mum?

Well, I suppose it is a sign that nobody believes in perfect parenting that my username and email address on Google were even available in the first place...well, now I'm here to dispel that myth! Ok, ok, I am kidding...I truly don't believe that I am the perfect mum...but, I am trying very hard to be the best mother that I can be. So that's really what this blog will be about...my thoughts, opinions and philosophies on parenting and motherhood in particular.

Of what it is like to be a new mum, a mum in Australia, a Baha'i mum. Of things I see around me that make me shudder, and things that bring me hope. Raising children well is the most important thing in the world. The future of our planet depends upon it. Of course everyone has their own definition of what that 'well' might look like...my own definition depends in no small part on my religious beliefs, which place the highest importance on the education and training of children.

I hope that some other mums out there in cyberspace read this blog...I'd love to hear about your journey through motherhood too. Well, that might be it for a first post...it is well after midnight and the soon-to-be subject of this blog is probably waiting for her mummy to come to bed! More soon I hope...

P.S. Ha! Somebody has created a perfectmum.blogspot blog...so maybe there IS a perfect mum out there after all! I'm obviously up for some stiff competition!