The unwritten tablet

There's probably nothing that makes you ponder your own parenting choices and approach as much as when you are in the company of an unlikeable child. I don't believe that any child should be unlikeable. It seems so wrong. Aren't children supposed to be happy, carefree, joyful, adventurous, innocent and awe-filled? Aren't they supposed to be fun to hang out with? So when you meet a child who you'd rather not hang out with, it makes you wonder how, in so few years, they have become this way.

I suppose I also don't believe that children can be born bad, evil or with a poor character. They aren't born like that, they slowly become that way. It's even sadder when these children are related to you in some way; part of your extended family. But there it is - I know such a child and he is related to me. He whinges; he complains; he demands attention; he refuses to share his things but asserts his right to other people's things; he's bossy; he doesn't listen; he can't be left by himself for a moment - there always must be another adult around to pay attention to him. All in all, he's just not that nice. And he's not yet even four years old. The worst part is that it just isn't his fault - I don't believe that he had to turn out that way. I know plenty of other three and four year old's who are perfectly nice - they are fun, they listen, they can share...of course they have their moments too, but on the whole, you wouldn't try to purposely hide from them when you see them coming!

So, my question is...what on earth can happen in such a short span of time to create this situation? I don't like to be judgmental towards other parents. I don't like to feel as if I'm being superior. I would never openly criticise what some other parent chooses to do when it comes to raising their own child. But when I do come across a child who is so patently unlikeable, it does make me wonder how it all came about. I don't want to go into the details of what I think the parents have done 'wrong' in this case...but seeing as I do know a fair bit about how this child has been brought up, I guess I can surmise from this example a few clues about what I would do differently. So, here goes...

- Aim high! If I want my child to behave well, I need to set my expectations high. Children live up or live down to your expectations. If you don't believe that children can learn how to share until they're 10 years old, they won't. I remember quite clearly once how the father of this child told me that he would have to lower his expectations with the next child - this was after a particular incident where the boy was refusing to share or cooperate.

- Don't always use age, stage or other factors like hunger, illness or tiredness as the reason for the poor behaviour. Too often these things cloud the real reason and it's too easy just to assume that it is external factors that are the major contributing factor. I believe that there are usually good reasons for why children behave in certain ways, and constantly blaming hunger or tiredness etc. can prevent you from getting to the heart of the matter and attempting to correct it.

- If you want your child to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Right from the start, from when they are newborn. Listen to them, respond to their needs, be sensitive, be attentive. How can anyone be expected to listen to their parents, be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others if their own needs were ignored, brushed over, downplayed or neglected when they were at their most needy and dependent stage? This to me is where practices such as controlled crying cause the most damage.

- Teach my child from the earliest age that all their toys and possessions, while belonging to them, should be shared with others. Firstly I would do this by ensuring that I model such behaviour myself, such as playing lots of turn-taking games right from the start. I would try to show to my child that sharing things and taking turns is actually way more enjoyable than playing by yourself (most of the time!). We would talk about how sharing and playing together makes you feel good inside. We would read stories, sing songs and talk about sharing, generosity etc. whenever a teachable moment appears. This is where programs such as The Virtues Project would come in handy.

- Show respect to your child and expect respect back. This follows on from one of my previous points about listening to your child. Basically, any behaviour that I want to see and develop in my child, needs to be modelled first and foremost by the parents. If I always talk to my child respectfully (of course this doesn't preclude shouting out "Stop" at the top of my lungs if I see them running towards a road), they will learn through my example how to speak to me. Don't listen to whingy, complaining, whiny voices. Ask my child if they would like it if I spoke to them like that.

Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that to me children are more or less blank slates when it comes to their character. I understand that genetics may play a small part in determining their temperament and personal characteristics, but I believe a far more powerful influence is their environment - the way they have been parented, the influence of other adults in their lives, the atmosphere of their home and community, the words that are spoken to them, and of course, the example that their parents set in the first place...

The babe, like unto a green and tender branch, will grow according to the way it is trained. If the training be right, it will grow right, and if crooked, the growth likewise, and unto the end of life it will conduct itself accordingly.

Baha'i Writings

In memorium

A few days ago, we attended the funeral of an old family friend. She had been ill for some time and in a great deal of pain, so release from this world was a blessing for her. Her and her husband had been friends of my parents; we had been to her home many times as young children. Some people are just special. These two were extra special. Though having no children of her own, she was a kindergarten teacher, and visits to her home were eagerly anticipated by myself and my three siblings.

As we all grew older, moved away from home, travelled and returned, we have all remained in touch with this wonderful couple. It is a sign of something tremendous when the friends of the parents become the friends of the children. I was so pleased to be able to introduce my husband and then my child to them both. Each time we visited, my memory flooded with scenes of happiness from my childhood...large glasses of lemonade (something we were rarely allowed to have at home); the hammock under the trees; totem tennis; the beautiful garden...I now relish these memories and am reminded that one's childhood is NEVER history. It stays with you forever. Some memories are indelible; they neither fade nor diminish. In fact, I think sometimes memories of childhood, whether happy or sad, can even become disproportionate...the happiness seems happier, the sadness, even sadder.

My childhood was not something that I look back on with great fondness. I had an authoritarian father and usually it was only when he was out of the house that a collective release from tension occurred. So the times we visited our old friends seem so vivid in their contrast to our sombre home life. There was something magical about those visits. We felt free to be kids, free to play, free to enjoy ourselves. For me, it all serves as a reminder, as if I needed one, that the earliest years of our life define and shape our view of ourselves, others and our place in the world. The words that are spoken to us, the feelings of our heart, our memories stay with us, reverbrating for all time. It makes me so determined to do my best by my little girl. To give her so much more of the happiness that for me and my siblings seemed all too fleeting.

So this post is written in memorium to a wonderful woman who, possibly unbeknowst to her, has helped to shape me as a mother. And I can't possibly thank her enough for that.

A blueprint for parenting

I've been thinking a bit recently about why I parent the way I do. In many ways, my parenting style is a reaction to the way I was parented myself - in that I am deliberately choosing NOT to do a lot of the things that were done to me when I was a child. It's also influenced by the fact that I tend to be a little bit anti-authoritarian, a little bit non-conformist...but this also goes back to the way I was brought up: my father was pretty authoritarian, so when I left home and I found that I had the freedom to question things for myself, take control and ultimately do whatever I wanted to do, I did. So, my parenting is about NOT parenting the way I was parented and not doing what anyone tells me to do simply because I don't have to. But there's more to it than that.

I thought a great deal about parenthood before I even fell pregnant. Maybe this is because I am a teacher and in my job, I talked with parents daily. I despaired over what some of them did or didn't do with regard to their children and I encouraged and praised the efforts of those who were trying their best to do a good job. I probably also did my fair share of 'blaming the parents' when I saw kids with lunchboxes laden with packet upon packet of artificial food; kids who couldn't behave, who couldn't pay attention; kids who were cruel to others, bullies, and downright brats. It was always the parents fault, right?

Wrong. Now that I'm a parent myself, I can see how difficult it is to always do your best, even when you know what's best and when you want to do your best. Not enough time, not enough support, not enough energy...

But I digress...my parenting style. It's been influenced by what I see other parents do (usually in the sense of "I am NEVER going to let my child eat that, do that, watch that, wear that...)! It's also been influenced a little bit by what I have read and researched, though this probably holds true more for the pregnancy and birth side of things rather than the actual parenting. I am a notorious researcher....when I became pregnant, I literally read at least fifty books on pregnancy, labour and birth. I just HAD to know. I didn't want ANYONE telling me what to do, when to breathe,when to push, how long I was 'allowed' to labour for, what position I could be in. Again the anti-authoritarian steps up.

I didn't feel that I needed to research the parenting part though. I always felt that I knew EXACTLY how I was going to raise my child, right from its earliest moments in this world. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that my baby would be the most important thing in the world. That I would have to listen to her, respond to her immediately, make her feel safe, secure, warm, loved. I knew that she would need to be near to me. I knew that she would need to be fed constantly in her first few weeks. It just seemed to be instinctive, natural. It all made complete sense.

I've often wondered WHY I felt such confidence in my untested abilities right from the start. WHY did I think that I knew best? Why was I so sure that my way was the right way? I'd heard countless new mum's tell of their confusion of the early days and weeks - not knowing who to listen to, who to believe, what to do. I never, ever felt like that. I never doubted myself for a second, even when others voiced their differing opinions or advice. I knew that I was right.

At the heart of the matter, then, is my faith. I am a Baha'i...I have been so for almost twelve years now. Is it from my religion that I gain my confidence then? I know that the teachings of my Faith put the highest amount of emphasis on the raising of children, on their education and upbringing. On the duties and sacred responsibilities of parents. On the high standards called for - in both children and parents. So maybe this has made me keenly aware of my responsibility as a parent - my determination to try and get it right. One passage from the writings of the Faith has stayed with me in particular over the last few years...maybe this statement, more than anything else, informs my parenting. It is from the international governing body of the Baha'i Faith - the Universal House of Justice. The following was written in the year 2000.

Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity.

An all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them - these are all among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose. They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha'i standards...

So herein may lie the heart of my parenting philosophy. Contained in one paragraph, these words have become my parenting compass. I can assess my decisions and my actions as a parent and see if they hold true to these words or if they fall short. It is, in truth, a sometimes burdensome weight of responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be without them. This is authority that I can willingly bend to. This is my parenting blueprint.

Welcome to the 'hood

Well, it has taken one year, one month, two weeks and three days, but it seems like it's finally happening...the first glimmerings of being accepted into The MotherHood! On Fridays, I take Boo to a group called Mainly Music. It is run by the Anglican Church and basically provides a fun program based on singing, actions and rhymes for mums and their babies/toddlers to participate in. It is without a doubt, the best thing going for mums and kids in this town (yep, it's first out of two choices)!

So, there I was, watching Boo playing with the other kids after the session, and suddenly, I hear my name being called out. I look up, and two mums, who I quite like, start wending their way toward me. Slightly alarmed, I look up at them as they look down on me...."Now, you don't have to say 'yes' straight away..."

Turns out, they are part of a committee organising a Parent & Kids Expo here in September...a one-day affair designed to provide information, resources and activities for parents and their children. And why did they want my help? Turns out they think I grow vegetables. I don't. But my husband does, and everyone who walks past our backyard (which is open for the world to see), knows exactly whats going on there! So they basically thought that, given my obvious predilection for vegetables (which turns out to be non-existent) I may be interested in helping with a stall where kids get to plant their own herb/vegetable seeds to take home and look after. Without much thought, I said 'yes', and even volunteered the services of my dear hubby!

Some time after that, another lady came up to me and asked me if I was interested in coming to her Thermomix demo. Again I said 'yes' pretty much straight away. It was interesting that she asked me actually - she has lived here for many years and I would have thought she would have been more likely to ask some of the other mums to come, in preference to me. Well maybe she did and they all said 'no' and I was the last name left on her list! Who knows? I'm taking it as a positive sign that I am starting to be accepted into the 'hood. I'm also putting this down partly to the fact that I have been trying to drop hints that we will be staying here 'forever' - that we have no intention of jumping ship anytime soon. People here aren't interested in anyone they think is just a flash in the pan...that much has become clear to me. So I've been trying to score myself some brownie points...and I think it's working!

Home free

Kodaikanal, India

After a great deal of hesitancy (mostly to do with feeling like 'the outsider') I have joined the local playgroup. It's on two mornings a week - so that's at least two opportunities to get out of the house and go somewhere. Now is it just me, or do you think you can actually tell which mums you're more likely to get along with or not? There are a few mums who just send off some pretty clear 'not interested in you' vibes. I'm polite to them; if there's an opportunity to exchange pleasantries, I will - but I don't look for opportunities to get to know them any better. Then there are other mums who are always ready with a smile or a friendly word. They'll come up next to me while I'm at the swing pushing Boo and we'll have a nice chat.

Now that I've got one friend who I feel quite close to, even though we've only known each other for a month, I don't feel any pressure to be liked or accepted by anyone else. I now feel completely free to be myself and state my views, no matter how they may be taken. I've already mentioned to a few mums that I co-sleep and that I'm 'still' breastfeeding. Pretty outrageous stuff huh? I've decided that I'll just be open about where I'm coming from - anyone who feels that I'm a bit too weird for them can take me or leave me. Anyone who still wants to hang around with me - good for them!

Yesterday I went to the playgroup and when I walked in (late of course), all the mums were sitting in a half-circle while watching their children play. So I was feeling slightly intimidated as I advanced towards them pushing my crappy old stroller (it is actually quite amusing to see my three-decades-old stroller sitting alongside these shiny, new, enormous perambulators)! Anyway, I looked around for a friendly face and saw only one. All the rest were those 'vibesy' type mums who are clearly not interested in me. In fact, some haven't even made eye contact with me yet, even though I've been going to playgroup for some months now! Well, the freedom of not caring what anyone thinks of me is quite liberating. I didn't feel comfortable in sitting down and letting Boo roam unsupervised, so I said hello to the one friendly face and then went off with Boo. Later on some other mum's also left the circle to wander after their littlies, but I have to admit I do find it a little annoying when some poor kid wants to climb up on a swing or trampoline and tries in vain to attract their mother's attention. In the end, there is always another mother who steps in, but there are definitely those that prefer to sit and watch from a distance. Oh well. None of my business I suppose.

Anyway, so no real pearls of wisdom here today...just the thought that it is very nice to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel any need to be other than I am. It is a very liberating feeling and I am really enjoying being in this space now.

A poem

Your hand

I hold your hand in mine
You don’t know how this makes me feel

Warm and safe and protective
I am your protector
And you are now my life
Your hand, your fingers, so small and so precious
You place your trust in me
I am your mother

You are my child
I want to feel your hand clasped around mine forever
It is as if there is no other place in the world for it
Just me and you
Together
and alone

Written Saturday 14th March 2009

In pursuit of the perfect loaf

Cranberry, date & raisin spelt loaf

Time to go off topic...enough about my random musings on parenting...time for another real love - baking! We recently bought a bread machine - partly because we don't really like the taste and additives found in supermarket bread (and there are no artisan bakeries in a 200km radius!) and partly because it will save us some money (a standard white loaf here costs a minimum of $4 and you never get markdowns here!). My husband has also just harvested his first crop of spelt and kamut and there'll be a lot more interesting grains coming in the future (teff and emmer just to name a couple!).

For the last few months, I've just stuck to a plain old spelt/rye loaf. It took me a few goes to get it right, but now I pretty much know what I'm looking for with the consistency and texture of the dough. However it was only when Boo pilfered a piece of fruit bread from a visiting friend and scoffed it down before you could say "Preservative 282" that I decided it was high time to branch out and take my baking to the next level - a fruit loaf. Now why on earth hadn't I thought of that before?

Anyway, I scoured some recipe books, writing down a list of ingredients as I went. I'm probably what's best known as a 'compilation cook' - I mix and match recipes and come up with my own version. I decided to try a cranberry, date and raisin loaf. The first attempt was OK, but the loaf didn't rise very much and even sank a little in the centre. I expected it to be heavy because I had used about 30% rye flour, but something else was wrong. I decided that it was the old yeast that I had been using. So I tried again with a new sachet of yeast. Same result. Brilliant taste but only good for toasting due to the heavy texture.

For attempt number three, I decided, after a little more reading around, that it was probably that my dough had been too wet. So I monitored the third loaf very carefully and voila...it rose beautifully (but not too much) and the taste was fantastic. I'm looking forward to some further experimentation!