The unwritten tablet

There's probably nothing that makes you ponder your own parenting choices and approach as much as when you are in the company of an unlikeable child. I don't believe that any child should be unlikeable. It seems so wrong. Aren't children supposed to be happy, carefree, joyful, adventurous, innocent and awe-filled? Aren't they supposed to be fun to hang out with? So when you meet a child who you'd rather not hang out with, it makes you wonder how, in so few years, they have become this way.

I suppose I also don't believe that children can be born bad, evil or with a poor character. They aren't born like that, they slowly become that way. It's even sadder when these children are related to you in some way; part of your extended family. But there it is - I know such a child and he is related to me. He whinges; he complains; he demands attention; he refuses to share his things but asserts his right to other people's things; he's bossy; he doesn't listen; he can't be left by himself for a moment - there always must be another adult around to pay attention to him. All in all, he's just not that nice. And he's not yet even four years old. The worst part is that it just isn't his fault - I don't believe that he had to turn out that way. I know plenty of other three and four year old's who are perfectly nice - they are fun, they listen, they can share...of course they have their moments too, but on the whole, you wouldn't try to purposely hide from them when you see them coming!

So, my question is...what on earth can happen in such a short span of time to create this situation? I don't like to be judgmental towards other parents. I don't like to feel as if I'm being superior. I would never openly criticise what some other parent chooses to do when it comes to raising their own child. But when I do come across a child who is so patently unlikeable, it does make me wonder how it all came about. I don't want to go into the details of what I think the parents have done 'wrong' in this case...but seeing as I do know a fair bit about how this child has been brought up, I guess I can surmise from this example a few clues about what I would do differently. So, here goes...

- Aim high! If I want my child to behave well, I need to set my expectations high. Children live up or live down to your expectations. If you don't believe that children can learn how to share until they're 10 years old, they won't. I remember quite clearly once how the father of this child told me that he would have to lower his expectations with the next child - this was after a particular incident where the boy was refusing to share or cooperate.

- Don't always use age, stage or other factors like hunger, illness or tiredness as the reason for the poor behaviour. Too often these things cloud the real reason and it's too easy just to assume that it is external factors that are the major contributing factor. I believe that there are usually good reasons for why children behave in certain ways, and constantly blaming hunger or tiredness etc. can prevent you from getting to the heart of the matter and attempting to correct it.

- If you want your child to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Right from the start, from when they are newborn. Listen to them, respond to their needs, be sensitive, be attentive. How can anyone be expected to listen to their parents, be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others if their own needs were ignored, brushed over, downplayed or neglected when they were at their most needy and dependent stage? This to me is where practices such as controlled crying cause the most damage.

- Teach my child from the earliest age that all their toys and possessions, while belonging to them, should be shared with others. Firstly I would do this by ensuring that I model such behaviour myself, such as playing lots of turn-taking games right from the start. I would try to show to my child that sharing things and taking turns is actually way more enjoyable than playing by yourself (most of the time!). We would talk about how sharing and playing together makes you feel good inside. We would read stories, sing songs and talk about sharing, generosity etc. whenever a teachable moment appears. This is where programs such as The Virtues Project would come in handy.

- Show respect to your child and expect respect back. This follows on from one of my previous points about listening to your child. Basically, any behaviour that I want to see and develop in my child, needs to be modelled first and foremost by the parents. If I always talk to my child respectfully (of course this doesn't preclude shouting out "Stop" at the top of my lungs if I see them running towards a road), they will learn through my example how to speak to me. Don't listen to whingy, complaining, whiny voices. Ask my child if they would like it if I spoke to them like that.

Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that to me children are more or less blank slates when it comes to their character. I understand that genetics may play a small part in determining their temperament and personal characteristics, but I believe a far more powerful influence is their environment - the way they have been parented, the influence of other adults in their lives, the atmosphere of their home and community, the words that are spoken to them, and of course, the example that their parents set in the first place...

The babe, like unto a green and tender branch, will grow according to the way it is trained. If the training be right, it will grow right, and if crooked, the growth likewise, and unto the end of life it will conduct itself accordingly.

Baha'i Writings

A blueprint for parenting

I've been thinking a bit recently about why I parent the way I do. In many ways, my parenting style is a reaction to the way I was parented myself - in that I am deliberately choosing NOT to do a lot of the things that were done to me when I was a child. It's also influenced by the fact that I tend to be a little bit anti-authoritarian, a little bit non-conformist...but this also goes back to the way I was brought up: my father was pretty authoritarian, so when I left home and I found that I had the freedom to question things for myself, take control and ultimately do whatever I wanted to do, I did. So, my parenting is about NOT parenting the way I was parented and not doing what anyone tells me to do simply because I don't have to. But there's more to it than that.

I thought a great deal about parenthood before I even fell pregnant. Maybe this is because I am a teacher and in my job, I talked with parents daily. I despaired over what some of them did or didn't do with regard to their children and I encouraged and praised the efforts of those who were trying their best to do a good job. I probably also did my fair share of 'blaming the parents' when I saw kids with lunchboxes laden with packet upon packet of artificial food; kids who couldn't behave, who couldn't pay attention; kids who were cruel to others, bullies, and downright brats. It was always the parents fault, right?

Wrong. Now that I'm a parent myself, I can see how difficult it is to always do your best, even when you know what's best and when you want to do your best. Not enough time, not enough support, not enough energy...

But I digress...my parenting style. It's been influenced by what I see other parents do (usually in the sense of "I am NEVER going to let my child eat that, do that, watch that, wear that...)! It's also been influenced a little bit by what I have read and researched, though this probably holds true more for the pregnancy and birth side of things rather than the actual parenting. I am a notorious researcher....when I became pregnant, I literally read at least fifty books on pregnancy, labour and birth. I just HAD to know. I didn't want ANYONE telling me what to do, when to breathe,when to push, how long I was 'allowed' to labour for, what position I could be in. Again the anti-authoritarian steps up.

I didn't feel that I needed to research the parenting part though. I always felt that I knew EXACTLY how I was going to raise my child, right from its earliest moments in this world. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that my baby would be the most important thing in the world. That I would have to listen to her, respond to her immediately, make her feel safe, secure, warm, loved. I knew that she would need to be near to me. I knew that she would need to be fed constantly in her first few weeks. It just seemed to be instinctive, natural. It all made complete sense.

I've often wondered WHY I felt such confidence in my untested abilities right from the start. WHY did I think that I knew best? Why was I so sure that my way was the right way? I'd heard countless new mum's tell of their confusion of the early days and weeks - not knowing who to listen to, who to believe, what to do. I never, ever felt like that. I never doubted myself for a second, even when others voiced their differing opinions or advice. I knew that I was right.

At the heart of the matter, then, is my faith. I am a Baha'i...I have been so for almost twelve years now. Is it from my religion that I gain my confidence then? I know that the teachings of my Faith put the highest amount of emphasis on the raising of children, on their education and upbringing. On the duties and sacred responsibilities of parents. On the high standards called for - in both children and parents. So maybe this has made me keenly aware of my responsibility as a parent - my determination to try and get it right. One passage from the writings of the Faith has stayed with me in particular over the last few years...maybe this statement, more than anything else, informs my parenting. It is from the international governing body of the Baha'i Faith - the Universal House of Justice. The following was written in the year 2000.

Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity.

An all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them - these are all among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose. They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha'i standards...

So herein may lie the heart of my parenting philosophy. Contained in one paragraph, these words have become my parenting compass. I can assess my decisions and my actions as a parent and see if they hold true to these words or if they fall short. It is, in truth, a sometimes burdensome weight of responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be without them. This is authority that I can willingly bend to. This is my parenting blueprint.

A poem

Your hand

I hold your hand in mine
You don’t know how this makes me feel

Warm and safe and protective
I am your protector
And you are now my life
Your hand, your fingers, so small and so precious
You place your trust in me
I am your mother

You are my child
I want to feel your hand clasped around mine forever
It is as if there is no other place in the world for it
Just me and you
Together
and alone

Written Saturday 14th March 2009

Where do I start...

Photo taken at our farm

Ok, maybe I should give you a bit of background. My daughter was born 15 months ago. It was not a planned or unplanned pregnancy...it kind of just happened and my husband and I just went with the flow. I always wanted to have children so the prospect of impending motherhood excited me enormously. Fantastic, stress-free pregnancy. Peaceful, calm waterbirth at home. The first few weeks and months went very well....and then we moved house. Well, we actually moved right out of the city to a small town of around a thousand people, two and a half hours away from the nearest city. Well, we survived that...just...and eventually settled in to our new home and new life in the country. We have been here just one year now. I am still on maternity leave (unpaid of course!) and I see motherhood as my career now...until all our children are in school full time.

But I am really interested in parenting and the choices people make when it comes to how to raise their children. I would probably have to describe myself as being at almost the opposite end of the spectrum to a lot of mainstream parenting practices that I see around me...this is not necessarily intentional - I just know really clearly what I will and will not do when it comes to raising children...and that seems to set me apart a little.

Since moving here, I have made two friends (not bad huh!), but I think it may take a while before I am accepted by the majority of mothers here. This is a very conservative town...people don't generally behave too 'differently' from the norm. There are unwritten laws governing social conduct. My problem is I just can't be naffed doing things in any other way than my own! So, we'll see what happens to me (I think I'll end up being seen as a harmless, slightly eccentric, hippie mum!)

The summer here is long and very hot. Most days are well above 35 degrees Celcius (that's 95 degrees Farenheit!) and this lasts for between 5-6 months! So it's too hot to go out and there's actually not a lot to do in this town anyway. One is very much left to one's own resources. Which is why it is important that I make friends, so that I can at least visit other mums and have people over.

My daughter, let's call her Boo, is a delight and I treasure my days with her. It's not all a bed of roses though. There have been some really difficult times for me recently - over the summer holidays (6 weeks) everything closes down here - the playgroup, the mothers group, the music group, the library (that's all there is). So unless you know other people, there is quite literally, nothing to do and nowhere to go. Like I said, it's too hot to go outside after 10am and I have no family or close friends nearby. I only just survived...in fact, in the sixth week I actually did crack. But, I'm over that now, back on track, I've just made another friend (another mum who has also recently moved here) and things are starting to look up. Whew!

Am I the perfect mum?

Well, I suppose it is a sign that nobody believes in perfect parenting that my username and email address on Google were even available in the first place...well, now I'm here to dispel that myth! Ok, ok, I am kidding...I truly don't believe that I am the perfect mum...but, I am trying very hard to be the best mother that I can be. So that's really what this blog will be about...my thoughts, opinions and philosophies on parenting and motherhood in particular.

Of what it is like to be a new mum, a mum in Australia, a Baha'i mum. Of things I see around me that make me shudder, and things that bring me hope. Raising children well is the most important thing in the world. The future of our planet depends upon it. Of course everyone has their own definition of what that 'well' might look like...my own definition depends in no small part on my religious beliefs, which place the highest importance on the education and training of children.

I hope that some other mums out there in cyberspace read this blog...I'd love to hear about your journey through motherhood too. Well, that might be it for a first post...it is well after midnight and the soon-to-be subject of this blog is probably waiting for her mummy to come to bed! More soon I hope...

P.S. Ha! Somebody has created a perfectmum.blogspot blog...so maybe there IS a perfect mum out there after all! I'm obviously up for some stiff competition!