Finally!

A fingerpainting masterpiece

A blog is not a blog unless it is updated regularly...at least that's what makes a blog worth following right? So henceforth, even if I only come up with dreary, mundane posts about baking cookies and what's happening in my vege patch, so be it.

It's been two months since I was last on here...my two other blogs have suffered a similar fate. Partly it's been a conscious decision to spend less time in front of a screen, and then when I do, it's mostly to reply to emails or check a few favourite websites. Anyway, the point is, that I actually do miss blogging - so I'm going to make an effort to update more regularly. The reason why I've managed to find time to blog now, during my daughter's afternoon nap, rather than cooking, baking or cleaning, is because my parents are here. Mum has already cooked; I baked some cookies while they took Boo to the park this morning and there's no point doing any serious cleaning until the visitors depart and the house is back to normal. So really, it's all about time and priorities - and unfortunately blogging lags behind the other priorities of running a household. I just wish my parents would come more frequently, but they can really only manage the 2.5 hour trip every couple of months. To anyone out there who does have frequent and willing support in the form of family and friends - can I say that I am highly envious of you!!! I really think that parenting would be so much easier and more satisfying if there was one or two other people who could come and share the work every now and again.

Oh well, enough blathering for now. I've had my morning (well, afternoon) coffee and I might even be able to squeeze in a shower before the afternoon session begins! See you soon I hope!

To spend is to live

OK, I have to admit it, I must be a bit of a freak. I hate spending money unnecessarily on my daughter. I don’t believe that the only way she can have fun, enjoy herself and be occupied is dependent on me spending money towards this end. Part of this boils down to the fact that we don’t have an enormously high disposable income but it is also, I feel, a bit of a rail against the highly consumerist, materialistic, disposable society that I am now bringing my daughter up in. It is also a great deal to do with how we were brought up as children…there’s no easy way to say this – my dad was, and still is, a miser. He refused to spend money on either himself or his family unless it was absolutely necessary – and his definition of ‘necessary’ sometimes bordered on the absurd! I still have visions of him wandering around in threadbare pyjamas that seemed held together by a miraculous web of cotton threads. To be fair to my father, though, he did have a plan. The plan was to save up as much money as he could so that he could give all of his children a debt-free start to life. But, I digress…

Influenced both by my father’s strict fiscal policies, my own Bahá’í ideals of striving to live a less materialistic lifestyle and our own lack of ready money, has led me to rail against the almost invisible pressures that seem to command us that to spend is to live. The point was driven home rather painfully a few days ago when we were with Boo’s grandparents at a busy marketplace in the city. We had all stopped to have a bite to eat. Nearby, there was one of those mechanical rides for kids that you pay for. It was a simple chair-lift that went round and round a picture of the globe with flashing lights. Now both Boo and her cousin were more than happy to sit in the motionless seat and just pretend – you know, that thing children of yesteryear seemed enormously capable of doing without resort to their parents’ wallet… I was happy that they were finding a way to entertain themselves and each other safely and happily without much call for parental intervention. They weren’t complaining, they weren’t demanding, they weren’t grumbling. They were just happy playing. But it seems that was not enough…soon enough, along came a grandparent with a gleaming coin, ready to insert into the slot. I rather surreptitiously whisked Boo away and her cousin got the ride, which lasted all of about sixty seconds. He grinned away as the chair lurched in fits and starts around the globe, but soon the entertainment was over and he moved on to the next source of occupation – food.

And here it happened again. Boo had just eaten breakfast and wasn’t particularly hungry – of course she loves picking things from what everyone else is eating, but she didn’t require anything specifically for her, and I certainly wasn’t about to buy anything. But, no, the ever-perceptive grandparents, decided that seeing as everyone else was eating something (apart from me), she must require something too. So off they went and bought her a blueberry muffin. Of course, I felt that it was my duty to ensure that she ate some as it was bought specifically for her (regardless of the fact that it wasn’t something I would have bought for her in the first place...but that’s another story!). She picked at a few blueberries but she would have been just as happy without it.

A short while later, she wandered over to the ride again, whilst everyone was finishing their meals. As she was happily climbing on the ride, the golden coin was slipped into the machine and she was given her due turn. A well-intentioned grandparent explained that her cousin had been given a go so it was only fair that she had a turn as well. The eyes turned on me as I protested that they could ‘save their money until she actually knows that she’s missing out on something’. Not to be discouraged, the proud grandparents strapped her in for her sixty seconds of jerky entertainment. She was mildly entertained; they, it seems had the majority of the fun. Later I said that it was unnecessary and that she would have been equally as happy without the ride. At this, my mother-in-law looked at me and said “Well, do you object when her father throws her up in the air?”. A bit baffled by the logic behind this argument, I merely replied “Of course not, because he can do that for free”. She shook her head at me and said “One day when you’re a grandparent, you’ll understand”.

Actually I think I’ll probably feel the same way as I do now, though I suppose only time will tell. I just want to avoid creating a situation where my daughter feels that she always has to have a ride whenever we walk past one; that if someone else is having a go then she has to have a go too; that I have to pay money for her to be entertained; and that her grandparents are good for getting things out of. That’s not what I want for her, for myself or for them. I know it’s a big leap from one isolated incident to the scenario above, but I am ever conscious of the dreaded slippery-slope downwards. I’d rather not succumb right from the start. It makes everything easier in the long run.

I suppose I’m really also railing against the commodification of childhood. I want to teach my daughter that she CAN’T have everything that she wants; that there is a clear and discernible difference between needs and wants; and that it is not morally right for people in one part of the world to live in abject poverty with their most basic of needs being unmet while at the same time it being possible for us to have anything and everything that we want, when we want it. I’m not suggesting that we all live on rice and water in empathy for those who are in desperate circumstances, but I am advocating that it is up to the adults of today to show the younger generation that regardless of our wealth and material circumstances, we all need to be a lot more conscious and economical about the way we live and about how we spend our time and our money. Yes, we should use the money we have rightfully earned to make our lives comfortable and enjoyable, but surely there must be a limit to our wants and desires? We need to rise up to the nobility of our station rather than sink into the ever more gloomy depths of hedonistic desire.

We need far less than we think we need and we want far more than we need to want.

The unwritten tablet

There's probably nothing that makes you ponder your own parenting choices and approach as much as when you are in the company of an unlikeable child. I don't believe that any child should be unlikeable. It seems so wrong. Aren't children supposed to be happy, carefree, joyful, adventurous, innocent and awe-filled? Aren't they supposed to be fun to hang out with? So when you meet a child who you'd rather not hang out with, it makes you wonder how, in so few years, they have become this way.

I suppose I also don't believe that children can be born bad, evil or with a poor character. They aren't born like that, they slowly become that way. It's even sadder when these children are related to you in some way; part of your extended family. But there it is - I know such a child and he is related to me. He whinges; he complains; he demands attention; he refuses to share his things but asserts his right to other people's things; he's bossy; he doesn't listen; he can't be left by himself for a moment - there always must be another adult around to pay attention to him. All in all, he's just not that nice. And he's not yet even four years old. The worst part is that it just isn't his fault - I don't believe that he had to turn out that way. I know plenty of other three and four year old's who are perfectly nice - they are fun, they listen, they can share...of course they have their moments too, but on the whole, you wouldn't try to purposely hide from them when you see them coming!

So, my question is...what on earth can happen in such a short span of time to create this situation? I don't like to be judgmental towards other parents. I don't like to feel as if I'm being superior. I would never openly criticise what some other parent chooses to do when it comes to raising their own child. But when I do come across a child who is so patently unlikeable, it does make me wonder how it all came about. I don't want to go into the details of what I think the parents have done 'wrong' in this case...but seeing as I do know a fair bit about how this child has been brought up, I guess I can surmise from this example a few clues about what I would do differently. So, here goes...

- Aim high! If I want my child to behave well, I need to set my expectations high. Children live up or live down to your expectations. If you don't believe that children can learn how to share until they're 10 years old, they won't. I remember quite clearly once how the father of this child told me that he would have to lower his expectations with the next child - this was after a particular incident where the boy was refusing to share or cooperate.

- Don't always use age, stage or other factors like hunger, illness or tiredness as the reason for the poor behaviour. Too often these things cloud the real reason and it's too easy just to assume that it is external factors that are the major contributing factor. I believe that there are usually good reasons for why children behave in certain ways, and constantly blaming hunger or tiredness etc. can prevent you from getting to the heart of the matter and attempting to correct it.

- If you want your child to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Right from the start, from when they are newborn. Listen to them, respond to their needs, be sensitive, be attentive. How can anyone be expected to listen to their parents, be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others if their own needs were ignored, brushed over, downplayed or neglected when they were at their most needy and dependent stage? This to me is where practices such as controlled crying cause the most damage.

- Teach my child from the earliest age that all their toys and possessions, while belonging to them, should be shared with others. Firstly I would do this by ensuring that I model such behaviour myself, such as playing lots of turn-taking games right from the start. I would try to show to my child that sharing things and taking turns is actually way more enjoyable than playing by yourself (most of the time!). We would talk about how sharing and playing together makes you feel good inside. We would read stories, sing songs and talk about sharing, generosity etc. whenever a teachable moment appears. This is where programs such as The Virtues Project would come in handy.

- Show respect to your child and expect respect back. This follows on from one of my previous points about listening to your child. Basically, any behaviour that I want to see and develop in my child, needs to be modelled first and foremost by the parents. If I always talk to my child respectfully (of course this doesn't preclude shouting out "Stop" at the top of my lungs if I see them running towards a road), they will learn through my example how to speak to me. Don't listen to whingy, complaining, whiny voices. Ask my child if they would like it if I spoke to them like that.

Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that to me children are more or less blank slates when it comes to their character. I understand that genetics may play a small part in determining their temperament and personal characteristics, but I believe a far more powerful influence is their environment - the way they have been parented, the influence of other adults in their lives, the atmosphere of their home and community, the words that are spoken to them, and of course, the example that their parents set in the first place...

The babe, like unto a green and tender branch, will grow according to the way it is trained. If the training be right, it will grow right, and if crooked, the growth likewise, and unto the end of life it will conduct itself accordingly.

Baha'i Writings

A blueprint for parenting

I've been thinking a bit recently about why I parent the way I do. In many ways, my parenting style is a reaction to the way I was parented myself - in that I am deliberately choosing NOT to do a lot of the things that were done to me when I was a child. It's also influenced by the fact that I tend to be a little bit anti-authoritarian, a little bit non-conformist...but this also goes back to the way I was brought up: my father was pretty authoritarian, so when I left home and I found that I had the freedom to question things for myself, take control and ultimately do whatever I wanted to do, I did. So, my parenting is about NOT parenting the way I was parented and not doing what anyone tells me to do simply because I don't have to. But there's more to it than that.

I thought a great deal about parenthood before I even fell pregnant. Maybe this is because I am a teacher and in my job, I talked with parents daily. I despaired over what some of them did or didn't do with regard to their children and I encouraged and praised the efforts of those who were trying their best to do a good job. I probably also did my fair share of 'blaming the parents' when I saw kids with lunchboxes laden with packet upon packet of artificial food; kids who couldn't behave, who couldn't pay attention; kids who were cruel to others, bullies, and downright brats. It was always the parents fault, right?

Wrong. Now that I'm a parent myself, I can see how difficult it is to always do your best, even when you know what's best and when you want to do your best. Not enough time, not enough support, not enough energy...

But I digress...my parenting style. It's been influenced by what I see other parents do (usually in the sense of "I am NEVER going to let my child eat that, do that, watch that, wear that...)! It's also been influenced a little bit by what I have read and researched, though this probably holds true more for the pregnancy and birth side of things rather than the actual parenting. I am a notorious researcher....when I became pregnant, I literally read at least fifty books on pregnancy, labour and birth. I just HAD to know. I didn't want ANYONE telling me what to do, when to breathe,when to push, how long I was 'allowed' to labour for, what position I could be in. Again the anti-authoritarian steps up.

I didn't feel that I needed to research the parenting part though. I always felt that I knew EXACTLY how I was going to raise my child, right from its earliest moments in this world. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that my baby would be the most important thing in the world. That I would have to listen to her, respond to her immediately, make her feel safe, secure, warm, loved. I knew that she would need to be near to me. I knew that she would need to be fed constantly in her first few weeks. It just seemed to be instinctive, natural. It all made complete sense.

I've often wondered WHY I felt such confidence in my untested abilities right from the start. WHY did I think that I knew best? Why was I so sure that my way was the right way? I'd heard countless new mum's tell of their confusion of the early days and weeks - not knowing who to listen to, who to believe, what to do. I never, ever felt like that. I never doubted myself for a second, even when others voiced their differing opinions or advice. I knew that I was right.

At the heart of the matter, then, is my faith. I am a Baha'i...I have been so for almost twelve years now. Is it from my religion that I gain my confidence then? I know that the teachings of my Faith put the highest amount of emphasis on the raising of children, on their education and upbringing. On the duties and sacred responsibilities of parents. On the high standards called for - in both children and parents. So maybe this has made me keenly aware of my responsibility as a parent - my determination to try and get it right. One passage from the writings of the Faith has stayed with me in particular over the last few years...maybe this statement, more than anything else, informs my parenting. It is from the international governing body of the Baha'i Faith - the Universal House of Justice. The following was written in the year 2000.

Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity.

An all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them - these are all among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose. They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha'i standards...

So herein may lie the heart of my parenting philosophy. Contained in one paragraph, these words have become my parenting compass. I can assess my decisions and my actions as a parent and see if they hold true to these words or if they fall short. It is, in truth, a sometimes burdensome weight of responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be without them. This is authority that I can willingly bend to. This is my parenting blueprint.

Underparenting

A few weeks ago I listened to a radio podcast on 'Overparenting' - basically parents who overschedule their kids and fill every hour up with another dance class or basketball practice or flute tuition and so on. Basically parents trying to give their child every single opportunity in life that they may have missed out on. OK, so the kids wouldn't have a moment to themselves, just to BE, to PLAY, to be kiddy-like....but as I pondered the story, my mind drifted to a different scenario....perhaps I would call it Underparenting.

I see it so often, sadly. A man wheels his boy into the local community park. The boy is let out of the pram. The dad lights up a cigarette. The boy gets upset while in the sandpit. The dad picks him up, plonks him back in his pram again, and off they go. That was 5 minutes in the park. A woman yells at her daughter "I'll belt you one" as the girl struggles with removing her shoes. Apparently she's taking them off the 'wrong way'. The mother re-iterates her threat to 'give her a good belting'. The child, ragged-looking and with a face that yearns for attention, finally manages to remove her shoes...without her mother's help. A mother at playgroup pretends to kick a child who is lying on the floor screaming. She says "I'll give you something to scream about" and then makes a joke about child abuse and that "it doesn't matter coz it's not my child". Two mothers sit at a cafe, while their babies are sucking dummies in their prams. The mothers light up. The babies inhale smoke from not one, but two, cigarettes. This is what I mean by underparenting.

Yesterday I read a post by someone on a forum I visit daily. It was about a family that came to visit them, where it became obvious that the parenting skills of the family in question, were really quite poor. Poor perhaps because of a lack of education, of support, of good role models. The lady who wrote the post explained that rather than judge the family or try to correct them or offer advice, she just went about her usual way of parenting her children. The other family were pretty quick to pick up on what she was doing and commented "Oh I never thought of doing it that way". What a positive example for that family - no-one lecturing them, telling them that they were doing things wrong - just leading by example, through their actions foremost, not their words.

This is what I will keep in mind when I am faced with situations of underparenting around me - just go about doing what I do, set a positive example, be a good role model and let my actions speak for themselves.

The inconsequential moments of motherhood...

Yesterday afternoon, one of our friends dropped in for a catch-up. He's a lovely guy, in his early 40s, single, one dog, no kids. I get the feeling that he loves his dog more than anyone or anything else in the world. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice dog - great temperament, very well-behaved, kind of cute....but hey, it's a dog. At one stage of the afternoon he even said that dogs and kids were pretty much the same. I didn't even know where to start. Anyway, let's get to the point...

So, he came in and we chatted away for a while - how his business is doing, what's happening with his ex-girlfriend who's been giving him trouble, what his parents are up to, his holiday plans, his new business idea and so on it went. I started getting a bit frustrated that the 'conversation' was all about him. What about us? What about me? What about Boo?

After he left, I wondered what I would even have had to say if he had thought to ask after me; what I've been doing. My usual answer is something along the lines of "Oh nothing much" or "Oh you know, just the usual". I find that I just tend to downplay my life as a mother with people who aren't parents....I guess I figure that what I do at home all day must just seem like mundane, boring, mind-numbing 'stuff'. But is it?

I started to think of what I do as a mother and I decided that while there's nothing in and of itself that is particularly news-worthy, all of it together amounts to just so much. What do I do? I crawl after Boo pretending to chase her. I read her stories. We play peek-a-boo. We sometimes go out if it isn't too hot. We play in the garden; feeding the ducks and chooks, hunting for the last remaining grapes on the vine, playing in the sandpit. She presses the buttons on the washing machine for me once I've loaded it up. We play with musical instruments. We make a mess in the kitchen cupboards. We sing and dance together. We eat lunch. We play with dolly and teddy. We feed the fish. We play hide and seek. We blow bubbles. It's all completely inconsequential. It's hardly worthy of conversation. Even my hubby only gets the highlights - what new word Boo tried to say, where she tried to climb, what her latest accident involved...

But it is these inconsequential moments of motherhood, that fill our days and our weeks and our months that indeed hold within them the power to transform the human race. I know that what I am doing, very intentionally, is raising a new member of the human race...someone with the capacity to understand that we are always kind to others, that we take responsibility for our actions, that we show love and gratitude to all, that we commune with our creator, that all are actions in this world have an influence on the progress of our soul in the next...A day in the life of a mother may not make for great conversation but it WILL make for a great planet. And that's not inconsequential at all.