Kodaikanal, India After a great deal of hesitancy (mostly to do with feeling like 'the outsider') I have joined the local playgroup. It's on two mornings a week - so that's at least two opportunities to get out of the house and go somewhere. Now is it just me, or do you think you can actually tell which mums you're more likely to get along with or not? There are a few mums who just send off some pretty clear 'not interested in you' vibes. I'm polite to them; if there's an opportunity to exchange pleasantries, I will - but I don't look for opportunities to get to know them any better. Then there are other mums who are always ready with a smile or a friendly word. They'll come up next to me while I'm at the swing pushing Boo and we'll have a nice chat.
Now that I've got one friend who I feel quite close to, even though we've only known each other for a month, I don't feel any pressure to be liked or accepted by anyone else. I now feel completely free to be myself and state my views, no matter how they may be taken. I've already mentioned to a few mums that I co-sleep and that I'm 'still' breastfeeding. Pretty outrageous stuff huh? I've decided that I'll just be open about where I'm coming from - anyone who feels that I'm a bit too weird for them can take me or leave me. Anyone who still wants to hang around with me - good for them!
Yesterday I went to the playgroup and when I walked in (late of course), all the mums were sitting in a half-circle while watching their children play. So I was feeling slightly intimidated as I advanced towards them pushing my crappy old stroller (it is actually quite amusing to see my three-decades-old stroller sitting alongside these shiny, new, enormous perambulators)! Anyway, I looked around for a friendly face and saw only one. All the rest were those 'vibesy' type mums who are clearly not interested in me. In fact, some haven't even made eye contact with me yet, even though I've been going to playgroup for some months now! Well, the freedom of not caring what anyone thinks of me is quite liberating. I didn't feel comfortable in sitting down and letting Boo roam unsupervised, so I said hello to the one friendly face and then went off with Boo. Later on some other mum's also left the circle to wander after their littlies, but I have to admit I do find it a little annoying when some poor kid wants to climb up on a swing or trampoline and tries in vain to attract their mother's attention. In the end, there is always another mother who steps in, but there are definitely those that prefer to sit and watch from a distance. Oh well. None of my business I suppose.
Anyway, so no real pearls of wisdom here today...just the thought that it is very nice to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel any need to be other than I am. It is a very liberating feeling and I am really enjoying being in this space now.
