A blueprint for parenting

I've been thinking a bit recently about why I parent the way I do. In many ways, my parenting style is a reaction to the way I was parented myself - in that I am deliberately choosing NOT to do a lot of the things that were done to me when I was a child. It's also influenced by the fact that I tend to be a little bit anti-authoritarian, a little bit non-conformist...but this also goes back to the way I was brought up: my father was pretty authoritarian, so when I left home and I found that I had the freedom to question things for myself, take control and ultimately do whatever I wanted to do, I did. So, my parenting is about NOT parenting the way I was parented and not doing what anyone tells me to do simply because I don't have to. But there's more to it than that.

I thought a great deal about parenthood before I even fell pregnant. Maybe this is because I am a teacher and in my job, I talked with parents daily. I despaired over what some of them did or didn't do with regard to their children and I encouraged and praised the efforts of those who were trying their best to do a good job. I probably also did my fair share of 'blaming the parents' when I saw kids with lunchboxes laden with packet upon packet of artificial food; kids who couldn't behave, who couldn't pay attention; kids who were cruel to others, bullies, and downright brats. It was always the parents fault, right?

Wrong. Now that I'm a parent myself, I can see how difficult it is to always do your best, even when you know what's best and when you want to do your best. Not enough time, not enough support, not enough energy...

But I digress...my parenting style. It's been influenced by what I see other parents do (usually in the sense of "I am NEVER going to let my child eat that, do that, watch that, wear that...)! It's also been influenced a little bit by what I have read and researched, though this probably holds true more for the pregnancy and birth side of things rather than the actual parenting. I am a notorious researcher....when I became pregnant, I literally read at least fifty books on pregnancy, labour and birth. I just HAD to know. I didn't want ANYONE telling me what to do, when to breathe,when to push, how long I was 'allowed' to labour for, what position I could be in. Again the anti-authoritarian steps up.

I didn't feel that I needed to research the parenting part though. I always felt that I knew EXACTLY how I was going to raise my child, right from its earliest moments in this world. I was brimming with confidence. I knew that my baby would be the most important thing in the world. That I would have to listen to her, respond to her immediately, make her feel safe, secure, warm, loved. I knew that she would need to be near to me. I knew that she would need to be fed constantly in her first few weeks. It just seemed to be instinctive, natural. It all made complete sense.

I've often wondered WHY I felt such confidence in my untested abilities right from the start. WHY did I think that I knew best? Why was I so sure that my way was the right way? I'd heard countless new mum's tell of their confusion of the early days and weeks - not knowing who to listen to, who to believe, what to do. I never, ever felt like that. I never doubted myself for a second, even when others voiced their differing opinions or advice. I knew that I was right.

At the heart of the matter, then, is my faith. I am a Baha'i...I have been so for almost twelve years now. Is it from my religion that I gain my confidence then? I know that the teachings of my Faith put the highest amount of emphasis on the raising of children, on their education and upbringing. On the duties and sacred responsibilities of parents. On the high standards called for - in both children and parents. So maybe this has made me keenly aware of my responsibility as a parent - my determination to try and get it right. One passage from the writings of the Faith has stayed with me in particular over the last few years...maybe this statement, more than anything else, informs my parenting. It is from the international governing body of the Baha'i Faith - the Universal House of Justice. The following was written in the year 2000.

Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity.

An all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them - these are all among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose. They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha'i standards...

So herein may lie the heart of my parenting philosophy. Contained in one paragraph, these words have become my parenting compass. I can assess my decisions and my actions as a parent and see if they hold true to these words or if they fall short. It is, in truth, a sometimes burdensome weight of responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be without them. This is authority that I can willingly bend to. This is my parenting blueprint.

Welcome to the 'hood

Well, it has taken one year, one month, two weeks and three days, but it seems like it's finally happening...the first glimmerings of being accepted into The MotherHood! On Fridays, I take Boo to a group called Mainly Music. It is run by the Anglican Church and basically provides a fun program based on singing, actions and rhymes for mums and their babies/toddlers to participate in. It is without a doubt, the best thing going for mums and kids in this town (yep, it's first out of two choices)!

So, there I was, watching Boo playing with the other kids after the session, and suddenly, I hear my name being called out. I look up, and two mums, who I quite like, start wending their way toward me. Slightly alarmed, I look up at them as they look down on me...."Now, you don't have to say 'yes' straight away..."

Turns out, they are part of a committee organising a Parent & Kids Expo here in September...a one-day affair designed to provide information, resources and activities for parents and their children. And why did they want my help? Turns out they think I grow vegetables. I don't. But my husband does, and everyone who walks past our backyard (which is open for the world to see), knows exactly whats going on there! So they basically thought that, given my obvious predilection for vegetables (which turns out to be non-existent) I may be interested in helping with a stall where kids get to plant their own herb/vegetable seeds to take home and look after. Without much thought, I said 'yes', and even volunteered the services of my dear hubby!

Some time after that, another lady came up to me and asked me if I was interested in coming to her Thermomix demo. Again I said 'yes' pretty much straight away. It was interesting that she asked me actually - she has lived here for many years and I would have thought she would have been more likely to ask some of the other mums to come, in preference to me. Well maybe she did and they all said 'no' and I was the last name left on her list! Who knows? I'm taking it as a positive sign that I am starting to be accepted into the 'hood. I'm also putting this down partly to the fact that I have been trying to drop hints that we will be staying here 'forever' - that we have no intention of jumping ship anytime soon. People here aren't interested in anyone they think is just a flash in the pan...that much has become clear to me. So I've been trying to score myself some brownie points...and I think it's working!

Home free

Kodaikanal, India

After a great deal of hesitancy (mostly to do with feeling like 'the outsider') I have joined the local playgroup. It's on two mornings a week - so that's at least two opportunities to get out of the house and go somewhere. Now is it just me, or do you think you can actually tell which mums you're more likely to get along with or not? There are a few mums who just send off some pretty clear 'not interested in you' vibes. I'm polite to them; if there's an opportunity to exchange pleasantries, I will - but I don't look for opportunities to get to know them any better. Then there are other mums who are always ready with a smile or a friendly word. They'll come up next to me while I'm at the swing pushing Boo and we'll have a nice chat.

Now that I've got one friend who I feel quite close to, even though we've only known each other for a month, I don't feel any pressure to be liked or accepted by anyone else. I now feel completely free to be myself and state my views, no matter how they may be taken. I've already mentioned to a few mums that I co-sleep and that I'm 'still' breastfeeding. Pretty outrageous stuff huh? I've decided that I'll just be open about where I'm coming from - anyone who feels that I'm a bit too weird for them can take me or leave me. Anyone who still wants to hang around with me - good for them!

Yesterday I went to the playgroup and when I walked in (late of course), all the mums were sitting in a half-circle while watching their children play. So I was feeling slightly intimidated as I advanced towards them pushing my crappy old stroller (it is actually quite amusing to see my three-decades-old stroller sitting alongside these shiny, new, enormous perambulators)! Anyway, I looked around for a friendly face and saw only one. All the rest were those 'vibesy' type mums who are clearly not interested in me. In fact, some haven't even made eye contact with me yet, even though I've been going to playgroup for some months now! Well, the freedom of not caring what anyone thinks of me is quite liberating. I didn't feel comfortable in sitting down and letting Boo roam unsupervised, so I said hello to the one friendly face and then went off with Boo. Later on some other mum's also left the circle to wander after their littlies, but I have to admit I do find it a little annoying when some poor kid wants to climb up on a swing or trampoline and tries in vain to attract their mother's attention. In the end, there is always another mother who steps in, but there are definitely those that prefer to sit and watch from a distance. Oh well. None of my business I suppose.

Anyway, so no real pearls of wisdom here today...just the thought that it is very nice to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel any need to be other than I am. It is a very liberating feeling and I am really enjoying being in this space now.

A poem

Your hand

I hold your hand in mine
You don’t know how this makes me feel

Warm and safe and protective
I am your protector
And you are now my life
Your hand, your fingers, so small and so precious
You place your trust in me
I am your mother

You are my child
I want to feel your hand clasped around mine forever
It is as if there is no other place in the world for it
Just me and you
Together
and alone

Written Saturday 14th March 2009

In pursuit of the perfect loaf

Cranberry, date & raisin spelt loaf

Time to go off topic...enough about my random musings on parenting...time for another real love - baking! We recently bought a bread machine - partly because we don't really like the taste and additives found in supermarket bread (and there are no artisan bakeries in a 200km radius!) and partly because it will save us some money (a standard white loaf here costs a minimum of $4 and you never get markdowns here!). My husband has also just harvested his first crop of spelt and kamut and there'll be a lot more interesting grains coming in the future (teff and emmer just to name a couple!).

For the last few months, I've just stuck to a plain old spelt/rye loaf. It took me a few goes to get it right, but now I pretty much know what I'm looking for with the consistency and texture of the dough. However it was only when Boo pilfered a piece of fruit bread from a visiting friend and scoffed it down before you could say "Preservative 282" that I decided it was high time to branch out and take my baking to the next level - a fruit loaf. Now why on earth hadn't I thought of that before?

Anyway, I scoured some recipe books, writing down a list of ingredients as I went. I'm probably what's best known as a 'compilation cook' - I mix and match recipes and come up with my own version. I decided to try a cranberry, date and raisin loaf. The first attempt was OK, but the loaf didn't rise very much and even sank a little in the centre. I expected it to be heavy because I had used about 30% rye flour, but something else was wrong. I decided that it was the old yeast that I had been using. So I tried again with a new sachet of yeast. Same result. Brilliant taste but only good for toasting due to the heavy texture.

For attempt number three, I decided, after a little more reading around, that it was probably that my dough had been too wet. So I monitored the third loaf very carefully and voila...it rose beautifully (but not too much) and the taste was fantastic. I'm looking forward to some further experimentation!

TV or no TV?

Right from the start, even before I fell pregnant, I have been determined to keep my daughter TV free during her earliest years. I was thinking maybe until 3. This is partly based on the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation (no TV until after the age of 2) and partly based on my knowledge of early language development (I used to work in this field) and partly it's also just been gut instinct. And I suppose it was also based on experience with kids who have obviously spent too much time in front of the box (anyone seen a kid with a three-tenths of a millisecond attention span...it ain't pretty)!

So, fast forward to almost 16 months, and let's see where we're at. The first time I actively watched TV with my daughter was when she was sick with a bout of roseola about a month ago. She was listless, clingy and had no energy for anything. All she wanted to do was lay in my lap. It got a bit boring after a while, so I caved in...I grabbed a DVD of The Wiggles and away we went for the next hour...

Ok, ok, I didn't really stoop that low...instead, out came David Attenborough's 'Planet Earth', replete with scenes of crocodiles tearing into wildebeest, lions ripping into juicy zebra flesh and bright pink babboon bottoms. Much more age appropriate and stimulating viewing I thought! Actually, Boo was quite interested, even through her sickness, although her attention lasted all of about ten minutes!

Fast forward another month and the rot really has started to set in...we've now seen two partial episodes of Play School! The first time it was an accident. Boo was asleep and I was editing a TV show I had taped earlier. She woke up while I was part way through so I quickly finished while she was sitting on the couch beside me. When I went to turn the TV off, the screen flashed with a doggy, which of course, immediately captured her attention. It was Play School, featuring a rather old and listless golden retriever. So we watched a little bit and she was quite interested to see the singing, pictures of children playing and of course, the doggy. So, ten minutes of TV...no harm done.

Yesterday, Boo went down for her afternoon nap very early, meaning that by the time she woke up, I had 4 hours with her before Daddy got home. FOUR HOURS and nowhere to go...it was close to 40 degrees outside so staying indoors was the only option. We made it through to almost three hours before I decided that I really needed a break. I noticed that it had just gone 3:00pm...it was Play School time.

So, we plopped on the couch together and turned on the box. It was actually pretty good! Play School is one of the best television programs for children - highly appropriate content, scenes that are slow and not heavily-edited, songs, rhymes, craft ideas, animals etc. Imagine my delight when two turkeys were shown as well - Boo has recently learned how to make gobble-gobble noises and knows that this is what a turkey says! All in all, I was quite impressed, and if I'm stuck again, I don't think that I'll hesitate to watch Play School with her.

But I've not completely given in to the dark side...I still have some TV Rules for myself:

1. Always watch TV together with your child
2. Select age appropriate content
3. Limit TV viewing to half an hour a day at most until the age of three (this recommendation is based on the pioneering book on infant and child language development 'Baby Talk' by Dr Sally Ward.

I don't believe that TV is evil - but it does need to be used wisely. I also find that I do need to set boundaries for myself as much as for my daughter - I'm determined not to fall into the trap of letting the box babysit my daughter...all in all, I'm pretty pleased with our progress to date.

Underparenting

A few weeks ago I listened to a radio podcast on 'Overparenting' - basically parents who overschedule their kids and fill every hour up with another dance class or basketball practice or flute tuition and so on. Basically parents trying to give their child every single opportunity in life that they may have missed out on. OK, so the kids wouldn't have a moment to themselves, just to BE, to PLAY, to be kiddy-like....but as I pondered the story, my mind drifted to a different scenario....perhaps I would call it Underparenting.

I see it so often, sadly. A man wheels his boy into the local community park. The boy is let out of the pram. The dad lights up a cigarette. The boy gets upset while in the sandpit. The dad picks him up, plonks him back in his pram again, and off they go. That was 5 minutes in the park. A woman yells at her daughter "I'll belt you one" as the girl struggles with removing her shoes. Apparently she's taking them off the 'wrong way'. The mother re-iterates her threat to 'give her a good belting'. The child, ragged-looking and with a face that yearns for attention, finally manages to remove her shoes...without her mother's help. A mother at playgroup pretends to kick a child who is lying on the floor screaming. She says "I'll give you something to scream about" and then makes a joke about child abuse and that "it doesn't matter coz it's not my child". Two mothers sit at a cafe, while their babies are sucking dummies in their prams. The mothers light up. The babies inhale smoke from not one, but two, cigarettes. This is what I mean by underparenting.

Yesterday I read a post by someone on a forum I visit daily. It was about a family that came to visit them, where it became obvious that the parenting skills of the family in question, were really quite poor. Poor perhaps because of a lack of education, of support, of good role models. The lady who wrote the post explained that rather than judge the family or try to correct them or offer advice, she just went about her usual way of parenting her children. The other family were pretty quick to pick up on what she was doing and commented "Oh I never thought of doing it that way". What a positive example for that family - no-one lecturing them, telling them that they were doing things wrong - just leading by example, through their actions foremost, not their words.

This is what I will keep in mind when I am faced with situations of underparenting around me - just go about doing what I do, set a positive example, be a good role model and let my actions speak for themselves.

The inconsequential moments of motherhood...

Yesterday afternoon, one of our friends dropped in for a catch-up. He's a lovely guy, in his early 40s, single, one dog, no kids. I get the feeling that he loves his dog more than anyone or anything else in the world. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice dog - great temperament, very well-behaved, kind of cute....but hey, it's a dog. At one stage of the afternoon he even said that dogs and kids were pretty much the same. I didn't even know where to start. Anyway, let's get to the point...

So, he came in and we chatted away for a while - how his business is doing, what's happening with his ex-girlfriend who's been giving him trouble, what his parents are up to, his holiday plans, his new business idea and so on it went. I started getting a bit frustrated that the 'conversation' was all about him. What about us? What about me? What about Boo?

After he left, I wondered what I would even have had to say if he had thought to ask after me; what I've been doing. My usual answer is something along the lines of "Oh nothing much" or "Oh you know, just the usual". I find that I just tend to downplay my life as a mother with people who aren't parents....I guess I figure that what I do at home all day must just seem like mundane, boring, mind-numbing 'stuff'. But is it?

I started to think of what I do as a mother and I decided that while there's nothing in and of itself that is particularly news-worthy, all of it together amounts to just so much. What do I do? I crawl after Boo pretending to chase her. I read her stories. We play peek-a-boo. We sometimes go out if it isn't too hot. We play in the garden; feeding the ducks and chooks, hunting for the last remaining grapes on the vine, playing in the sandpit. She presses the buttons on the washing machine for me once I've loaded it up. We play with musical instruments. We make a mess in the kitchen cupboards. We sing and dance together. We eat lunch. We play with dolly and teddy. We feed the fish. We play hide and seek. We blow bubbles. It's all completely inconsequential. It's hardly worthy of conversation. Even my hubby only gets the highlights - what new word Boo tried to say, where she tried to climb, what her latest accident involved...

But it is these inconsequential moments of motherhood, that fill our days and our weeks and our months that indeed hold within them the power to transform the human race. I know that what I am doing, very intentionally, is raising a new member of the human race...someone with the capacity to understand that we are always kind to others, that we take responsibility for our actions, that we show love and gratitude to all, that we commune with our creator, that all are actions in this world have an influence on the progress of our soul in the next...A day in the life of a mother may not make for great conversation but it WILL make for a great planet. And that's not inconsequential at all.

Making friends, building communities

I've been in this town now for one year and one month. In the whole of the first year I was here, I made a grand total of ONE friend. I was actually quite impressed with myself. In the last month, however, I've made another friend. The funny thing is though, I feel closer to this new friend, whom I've known for a month, than I do to the friend that I have carefully and slowly nurtured a friendship with over the last year. Well, I guess that's the nature of friendships. The thing is, when you live in a small town, you're not spoilt for choice...you've got to make the best of what you've got. If I was in the city, I'd be home free. I could have joined an ABA group, I could have stayed in touch with the mums from my antenatal classes and of course I would have become closer to the other mothers in my previous Baha'i community. I would have been able to self-select my friends and be quite comfortable in my chosen circle.

Not here though. Sometimes I have felt that I have to pretend to be something else...which I just can't do. I still remember the day I put Boo in my Ergo carrier and headed off to the mum's group. It was the middle of winter and she was so snug and warm against my body - it was great! I arrived at the door, there were a few massive prams outside and I could barely squeeze into the room for the number of awkward, unwieldy prams crowding the inner space as well. I felt everyone's eyes on me, the newcomer. I'm sure some mums hadn't even seen a baby carrier before...the eyeballs were literally rolling on the floor. Well, I tried to be nonchalant and even when Boo started to grizzle, I walked into an adjoining room, did a quick few laps of the room, and voila, she was asleep!

Anyway, I digress. It's really important for mothers to maintain contact with the 'outside' world. It can be very easy to lose touch with others and become confined to your own home. This has happened to me - partly because I have found it hard to make friends here and partly because the relentless heat does make it difficult to go out for very long, if at all. But I am relishing having a friend who lives walking distance from me, and whose company I enjoy and can feel at ease with. I feel like I am free to be me, which is the most important thing in a true friendship - not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. I am relieved.

Since becoming a mother, I have realised that noone was ever meant to be at home by themselves 24/7 with one or more children. It is unnatual and extremely difficult. I no longer wonder why the incidence of post-natal depression is so high in Australia and getting higher. There needs to be more support for mothers and parents in general. I long for the days when extended family or closely-knit communities come back. This is what we need to raise children - the village approach. We will have happier mums and happier kids that way. So what does this look like for me - with no family nearby? It means starting to build a community around me - starting with other mothers and their children. Starting by making a friend.

How long can I last?

A scene from our recent visit to the city

Today is the third day of the nineteen-day (one Baha'i month) fasting period in the Baha'i calendar. Because I am breastfeeding, I am exempt from observing the Fast. But because the physical fasting is only one aspect of the fasting month, it is still really important to me to make this month one of physical and spiritual rejuvenation. And that's actually where it helps to fast...you are reminded of this special period each time you feel a pang of hunger or thirst. So, in order to at least try to observe some type of fast, I decided I'd give up my morning coffee - the one thing that I MUST have every day (yep, I'd rather forgo a shower than miss my morning cuppa)!

So yesterday, the headache arrived. The one that said "lady, you are addicted to caffeine". Not even a headache tablet helped. When I woke this morning, it was worse than ever. I took two headache tablets before I even had my breakfast. My head still throbbed. I called up a friend and invited her over, something to take my mind off my sore head. She arrived and I asked her if she'd like a cuppa. "Only if you're having one" was the reply...

Hmmm....first hurdle - do I have a cuppa too, just so I can be polite and keep her company, or do I explain that I'm trying to go caffeine-free for fasting purposes (she doesn't know that I'm a Baha'i yet) and so break my fast before it's even begun? Well, I'm afraid I took option one and now feel like a complete failure...but at least my headache's gone!